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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976267">Summer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndelibleSpock/pseuds/IndelibleSpock'>IndelibleSpock</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Dubious Consent, Kid Fic, M/M, Mental Abuse, Tarsus IV, Toxic Relationship, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:46:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>34,393</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndelibleSpock/pseuds/IndelibleSpock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Summer is James' most dreaded season. It's never good. And when it is, something happens to ruin it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Seeing Cherry Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm apparently making my way through Spirk tropes here. I've got Pon Far fic, sick fic....now we've got the trauma fic.</p>
<p>There's a lot of obscurity with relationships and the characters and the hows and whens in the Kelvin timeline isn't there (thanks for that Jar Jar Abrams)? We're gonna mess around with some stuff in this universe. </p>
<p>Let's explore, shall we?</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>James learns just how much he hates the red Corvette.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Why am I writing this? Why do I do these things. Okay, actually because I really wanted to explore more of the Kelvin timeline with Tarsus IV.... and also because I have FAR too many things in common with this poor Kirk kid.</p><p>I just want to state that I have a lot of childhood trauma involving mental abuse and then there's some PTSD thrown in there. I'm pulling from some personal experiences and how I (didn't oof) deal with them. Like how do you deal with family members that look the other way that don't really mean to, and then how do you deal with the ones that are unknowingly causing you harm? Maybe I'll solve ALL my problems with this fic!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“It’ll only be for a few months.”</p>
<p class="p1">She pulled her boy into a tight hug. The nine year-old clung on to her and she ran a hand through his hair. He gripped the collar of her uniform tight.</p>
<p class="p1">“And I’ll bring a lot of presents back.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Promise? All kinds of candy and snacks. I wanna share them with everyone.”</p>
<p class="p1">She smiled, a brilliant twinkle in her eyes. He rambled on about wanting to share everything he got with his classmates. It was a wonder how she was blessed with a kid who wanted nothing but to give to others.</p>
<p class="p1">“James,” she pulled away from him. Time for business. “You gotta be a good kid for Frank, okay? No causing problems?”</p>
<p class="p1">He rolled his eyes. “I won’t cause problems. Last time it wasn’t my fault. It was all George’s idea.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t think George would even consider some of the things you come up with,” she sighed, now wasn’t the time to get into semantics with a nine-year-old. “Just promise me James. You won’t?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Mom, I won’t. I’ll be good for Frank.”</p>
<p class="p1">He shoved his hands into his pockets as he watched his mom drive away. He was nervous. He was upset. But he had to make the best of it. Like mom said, it was only a few months. Three and a half precisely.</p>
<p class="p1">This time though, he was going to be alone with his uncle and his brother for the first time for a long duration. He never really cared much for the guy. Frank was a paper pusher, a guy with a good job but a big temper. He liked to brag that his forcefulness got him important clients and big promotions.</p>
<p class="p1">James laughed at that idea once during dinner. And while Frank did nothing in the moment, he made sure for that next week James was sent to school without lunch, or the ability to buy it.</p>
<p class="p1">Frank was there often enough. After the Kelvin incident he swore to help his sister out as much as he could. He didn’t have his own family to look after (then again who the fuck would marry the bastard, thought James), so he played surrogate to the Kirk boys. It was prevalent from early on that George was Frank’s favorite.</p>
<p class="p1">James hated dealing with the asshole. It was a pain already knowing he’d come by unannounced. It was worse when Winona had the bright idea that he’d stay with them while she was off-planet. He’d move on in and create a nightmare for James and George.</p>
<p class="p1">Whenever James tried to tell his mom, she dismissed it. At least for the most part. She’d try to talk to Frank about what James told her. Frank would make another excuse. It worked to his advantage. James never liked Frank. James was slightly jealous of George, who never got the full brunt of Frank’s verbal abuse. James saw how much pain Winona still held. Her family torn apart and changed forever. So he silently fumed.</p>
<p class="p1">He just didn’t want his mom to feel so alone anymore.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“James said you weren’t packing him lunch?”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“Why would he say that?”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“Frank, why would he lie to me?”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“Winona, the kid hates me. Maybe it’s just his way to get you to hate me too.”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“Brother. He’s Eight.”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“And your point is? You saw just how much he tried to embarrass me at that Starfleet party last year. He will say just about anything to get you to turn on me.”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">James sat on the stoop. The sun beat down on him. It would be a hot summer.</p>
<p class="p1">“James,” Frank yelled. He sounded angry. Then again, he always sounded angry.</p>
<p class="p1">The man frowned, folding his arms as his nephew waltzed through the front door. He sneered as he took in the dirty converse James was wearing.</p>
<p class="p1">“Shoes off in the house. Get cleaned up. Then I want you to get the entire place cleaned. It’s looking shabby.”</p>
<p class="p1">James nodded.</p>
<p class="p1">And that’s what Frank did best. He pushed everyone around. While he was less of an asshole to George, he still made him share in the work. Despite George being a year older, James still found it necessary to shield his brother from the few occasions Frank would mouth off to him.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>“You’re stupid fucking kids, you know that? Stupid fucking kids that can’t even listen to direction. How the fuck do you two get through school? Do you keep asking your mother to bribe the teachers?”</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">Frank was an insult machine. More of a machine than human.</p>
<p class="p1">It made more sense considering he loved that stupid fucking cherry red Corvette than anything or anyone else. The car wasn’t even his. But one day, Frank decided that he was going to fully restore it.</p>
<p class="p1">“James, when you get to the garage I don’t want you even thinking about touching that car. You hear me?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Yes, sir.” He turned his back. <em>I’m gonna drive it off a cliff one of these days.</em></p>
<p class="p1">The first week they were alone was all busy work. James wanted to ask why, but the short-tempered fake-father figure would probably threaten him with more work, or insult his manners. He brushed off the idea.</p>
<p class="p1">“Your mother never taught you to cook has she,” Frank mused one night. He was sitting at the dinner table looking over the latest headlines on his padd.</p>
<p class="p1">“Um, not a lot. I mean, we bake those cookies you like.”</p>
<p class="p1">He scoffed. “I mean real cooking. Making meals. You should learn. It’s a good skill to have. At least George can cook. I guess that’s something.” Frank looked up at James. He was standing at the replicator, waiting for Frank to possibly continue his thought.</p>
<p class="p1">“The fuck are you staring at, boy?”</p>
<p class="p1">James immediately turned around and replicated himself a bowl of ravioli.</p><hr/>
<p class="p1">A month went by. A month where Frank refused to let the kid meet up with his friends. He figured he must have done something wrong to be punished with isolation.</p>
<p class="p1">He and George were building a rocket with their legos.</p>
<p class="p1">“Think mom will let us go with her one day?”</p>
<p class="p1">James looked at George, peering over the heightening rocket. “Where to?”</p>
<p class="p1">He turned somber. “Somewhere far away from Earth.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Maybe. Starfleet doesn’t like kids.”</p>
<p class="p1">George nodded. “Starfleet’s dumb.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Real dumb.” James handed George some legos. “But, it’d be cool.”</p>
<p class="p1">Frank sat in the next room listening to the boys speak. He hated Starfleet. He hated how it destroyed his sister’s spirit. He hated how much time Winona dedicated herself to an organization that left her broken. She should have left it after the incident. Winona would have been home more and he wouldn’t have been obligated as a brother to help her raise two kids. At least there was one thing he and James could agree to. Starfleet was pretty dumb.</p>
<p class="p1">“Hey George, if we go to space what aliens do you wanna meet?”</p>
<p class="p1">The 10 year old mumbled, trying to think of all the alien species out there he was being introduced to at school.</p>
<p class="p1">“The blue ones, lol.”</p>
<p class="p1">“The ones with or without antennae?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh dude, the antenna. Andorians, right?”</p>
<p class="p1">James laughed. “Yeah the Andorians. They’re supposed to be super tough.”</p>
<p class="p1">“How tough?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Mega tough.”</p>
<p class="p1"><em>Enough alien talk. Stop indoctrinating each other. </em>Frank’s upper lip twitched. Why couldn’t people stop glorifying these aliens and start glorifying the human race for once? What the hell were these kids being taught in school these days?</p>
<p class="p1">This whole conversation was irritating.</p>
<p class="p1">Later that night after the two kids were in bed, Frank did his nightly inspection of the house. Everything had to be perfectly reset at the end of the night. All the toys had to be put away, every little thing that was used throughout the day had to be cleaned. At one point in his life he was called obsessive compulsive. He laughed it off. Having order and control was not obsessive compulsive.</p>
<p class="p1">Through his rounds he saw that James and George didn’t put away their lego rocket.</p>
<p class="p1">“Idiot children,” he muttered. Frank stepped on a few left over pieces. He regretted not putting on slippers that evening. “James fucking knows better,” he gritted his teeth.</p><hr/>
<p class="p1">Frank rarely got physical. It wasn’t until James accidentally scratched the Corvette. It wasn’t even intentional despite the multiple times James looked at the stupid car wishing for it to explode. He was running through the garage to go outside with his friends (finally being able to see them while Frank was at work taking George along). His bag, slung across his back, hit the front. He didn’t even realize it until he got home.</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh no.” James let his bag hit the floor. “Oh no. No. Oh no I’m dead.”</p>
<p class="p1">His eyes widened in a panic. Does he try to correct it? Does he leave it alone and pretend nothing happened? Frank was gonna find out at some point. Did he want the punishment now, or later? If only this happened when his mom was here. She wouldn’t let Frank do anything more than his normal dumb petty shit.</p>
<p class="p1">James kept as calm as he could, playing the facade that he was home all day reading. He made sure he left no sign that he was in the garage. And it worked. For the next two weeks, Frank didn’t notice.</p>
<p class="p1">It was a Friday night, and Frank wanted to invite a couple of friends over. He figured he’d show them the Corvette he’d been working on. From a car enthusiast’s perspective, it was a beauty of a restoration. From James’ perspective, it was a crap load of crap that deserved nothing but crap.</p>
<p class="p1">Frank intended to polish up the car a bit and set it out in the driveway. Oh it would be a most spectacular sight. Yet once he got into the garage and rounded his way to the driver’s side door, he saw it. The 6 inch scratch that covered just the edge under the headlight.</p>
<p class="p1">He stormed into the house, his eyes were nearly bulging with anger.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>Where are you, you little shit.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">James was in his room lying on his bed. He spent the afternoon trying to write to his mom, mostly lies. He knew she didn’t like hearing about how Frank always yelled at him.</p>
<p class="p1">The door opened.</p>
<p class="p1">“Get up.”</p>
<p class="p1">The venom in Frank’s voice dripped right into James’ ears. He sat up, wondering what he did this time. Maybe he didn’t get the right ingredients from the store.</p>
<p class="p1">“Time and time again, I keep telling you boy—“ Frank grasped James’ wrist pulling him out of bed. “Respect other people’s property!”</p>
<p class="p1">He smacked James across the head.</p>
<p class="p1">“I-I’m sorry!”</p>
<p class="p1">He completely forgot about the scratch on the car.</p>
<p class="p1">“Are you!? It doesn’t sound like it!” Frank grasped James’ wrist harder and harder. He honestly didn’t care if the bones snapped.</p>
<p class="p1">He pulled the boy along, outside into the hallway and out to the living room.</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t want to hear from you for the rest of the night. You hear me!?”</p>
<p class="p1">Was he going to get kicked out? Better than anything. He could stay at Aaron’s house.</p>
<p class="p1">“Y-yes sir.”</p>
<p class="p1">Fully expecting to be led out the front door, Frank led James into the garage. It was more like yanking him along on a short leash. He grabbed James’ head in his hand and pressed the little skull against the car. Flesh met metal, heat against cold.</p>
<p class="p1">“When.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I-I don’t—“</p>
<p class="p1">“WHEN!?”</p>
<p class="p1">He pressed him harder against the door.</p>
<p class="p1">“Two weeks! Two weeks ago!”</p>
<p class="p1">“HOW.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I dunno.”</p>
<p class="p1">“You do know! Don’t lie to me you little fuck!”</p>
<p class="p1">“My bag!” Hot tears were streaming down his face. “Bag musta clipped it! I’m sorry!”</p>
<p class="p1">Frank pulled James alongside the vehicle. He muttered and grumbled. With the turn of his keys, Frank scowled. The trunk opened.</p>
<p class="p1">James first thinking he was going to be thrown out of the house, didn’t think of any worse alternative. Frank needed to dominate, so much so locking him inside his room wasn’t enough. He had to show everyone that he was the one in control and had absolute power. James realized what was happening.</p>
<p class="p1">“No. No no nonono,” he tried prying Frank’s hand off of his wrist and pulling away. “No please don’t! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll fix it! I’ll fix it!”</p>
<p class="p1">Frank lifted James up, finally releasing the boy’s wrist, shoving him into the small trunk of the two door convertible. He struggled, trying everything he could to get out of Frank’s arms, but he was only a small boy up against a 170 pound man. His arms flailed, he tried kicking. He screamed. He apologized over and over.</p>
<p class="p1">“I hear one peep out of you tonight, I will not hesitate to beat your skull in. Got it?”</p>
<p class="p1">He looked up at the man standing over him. Exhausted he lied his head down, cheeks sticky from the salty tears that could no longer flow. James nodded and accepted his fate.</p>
<p class="p1">In the dark gloom of his small prison he heard Frank and his friends laughing over some stupid shit that happened at work the other day. The hiss of carbonation from the beer bottles opening, the small clicks of the caps hitting the concrete. While five people were in the same room, James felt like it was just him and his uncle. His friends had no idea who was in the room with them, silently bound in the fetal position.</p>
<p class="p1">James never told his mom about that night. He never told her how Frank gave him a headache that lasted for a week. He never said he was locked inside the trunk of a car for a day and a half. Never once did he mention the bruising on his arm in the shape of a hand print.</p>
<p class="p1">He never talked about how George came into his room one night crying because he didn’t do anything. Not once did James tell her that George felt guilty, that he himself felt like he should be dead. He stayed silent. The only thing he mentioned of that night was telling George how glad it wasn’t him.</p>
<p class="p1">When Winona arrived back home, she saw the change. Her youngest son was more withdrawn. He barely spoke. Her oldest spent more time in his room, or with his friends.</p>
<p class="p1">“What happened while I was gone?”</p>
<p class="p1">“A typical boring summer in Iowa, sister.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Frank, James doesn’t normally act like this. Hell, even George who’s going through that whole not wanting to be seen with his mother phase isn’t normally like this.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Of course not. James is learning some discipline. He’s got manners and he’s learning to respect authority. George is just growing up. It’s not his fault he wants to spend more time out of the house.”</p>
<p class="p1">James heard the conversation.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>Fuck you. Fuck that car. Fuck your authority.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Escape. If Only for a Few Days.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>James and George end up at Starfleet Academy. They have a few realizations, and James meets a friend.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Of course this is gonna be a Spirk fic. Why would I write ANYTHING else.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Another year, another summer where Winona was going to leave the planet. The ten year old walked next to her down the aisle. They were grocery shopping, planning to make a meal for their last family dinner. James took Frank’s so-called advice and learned to cook traditionally.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t want you to leave.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh sweet heart, I know.”</p><p class="p1">“Why can’t I come with?”</p><p class="p1">“It’s not safe right now. I promise once it is, I’ll take you with me.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re not lying?”</p><p class="p1">She looked at James who was focused on his steps. One foot for every tile.</p><p class="p1">“No, of course not.”</p><p class="p1">He stayed silent until they got into their car.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t want to be alone with Frank.” He buckled his belt. “Please, let me stay at Shawn’s, or Aaron’s or send me off to bootcamp, or something.”</p><p class="p1">She looked at him, shocked at how much she could hear the pleading in his voice.</p><p class="p1">“James?”</p><p class="p1">“Mom, please. I mean, George and I can stay home alone! We can! We won’t ruin the house!”</p><p class="p1">There were tears running down his cheeks.</p><p class="p1">“Oh my god, James. What’s going on!?”</p><p class="p1">“I keep telling you! But you won’t listen!” He wiped the tears away with his arm. “Frank yells, mom! He calls me an idiot! He makes me feel guilty about everything!”</p><p class="p1">Winona should have listened. She should have listened to every word and took it to heart. She should have taken what Starfleet taught her. Just because he was a kid didn’t mean his voice didn’t have merit.</p><p class="p1">She should have listened.</p><p class="p1">It was ever more apparent when she was sitting at her desk on a world light years away, listening to a security officer tell her how her little James went for a joy ride and nearly killed himself. The car was long gone, James was sitting in a holding cell refusing to be released into Frank’s custody.</p><p class="p1">“He’s claiming abuse, Commander. But we don’t have anyone else on record we can release him to, but we also don’t want to release him to someone who he feels is a threat.”</p><p class="p1">She rubbed her eyes. It was the middle of the night where she was. The call came in while she was asleep. At this point her mind was aflutter.</p><p class="p1">“The academy is still an option right? For temp housing?”</p><p class="p1">“It is.”</p><p class="p1">Winona sighed. “Escort him back home so he can get his things. I have another son, George. Have him gather his things too.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">“How much was he yelling,” James stared at his feet. He wasn’t sure he could look George in the face.</p><p class="p1">“He was mad. Like really mad. And then he learned the car was gone.” George stared aimlessly in front of him. “Frank snapped. Melted. Broke. It was like a fucking war zone. He kept screaming at me, asking where you were.”</p><p class="p1">They were sitting in a reception area. The lights were dimmed, as it was still off-hours for the campus. In the next room was an ensign putting together rooms for them. The brothers agreed, Starfleet might be dumb, but at least they came through.</p><p class="p1">“James. I’m glad you refused to come home. He woulda murdered you. And I’m not lying. I really think he woulda murdered you.”</p><p class="p1">James glanced over at George who was trying his best not to cry. “George?”</p><p class="p1">“I shoulda called the cops when he locked you in the trunk.” He scrunched up his face, hiding it in his hands. “You’re my little brother and I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“Mmmmno. No. I was busy protecting you.” James pulled George into a hug. “You’re my big brother and we gotta look out for each other. And…and I know…I know sometimes it’s really hard to fight family.”</p><p class="p1">“Cause ours is already broke.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t wanna break it any more.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">In the event a parent couldn’t obtain care for a family member, Starfleet always did their best to accommodate. Sometimes it meant sending out social workers to act as babysitters, welfare checks on the elderly, and in James and George’s predicament, fully housing them.</p><p class="p1">For the most part they were free to do as they pleased on the academy campus; they had to check in every hour with their assigned supervisor. The last thing Starfleet wanted was to make the two boys feel like they were prisoners, especially after what James admitted to the ensign late one night. He thought he’d get into trouble, but the ensign pulled him into a hug and promised they’d get their superiors to look into it.</p><p class="p1">George brought back a basket of French fries to the small table near the building where they were staying at. James was hunched over the table, his head in his arms. He was staring at the phone. Probably their mom.</p><p class="p1">“You gonna pick it up,” George asked.</p><p class="p1">“No. It’s mom. I don’t wanna talk to her.” James hid his face. “I don’t think I ever wanna talk to her.”</p><p class="p1">James picked up a couple of fries and stared aimlessly. He didn’t know if he really hated his mom, but he knew at this very moment he was incredibly angry and upset at her. He told her multiple times about the insults and the dehumanizing way Frank made him feel, but every time it was dismissed as an exaggeration. He kept asking himself if it really was all in his head, that maybe Frank really wasn’t that bad.</p><p class="p1">But then who the fuck locks someone else in the trunk of a car? James admired these vehicles and the history behind them. It’s what made him think he’d like hanging out with his uncle, but one afternoon just before Christmas, Frank had to be absolutely truthful with the kid.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“My sister should still have her family. But you happened.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">James shook the thought out of his head.</p><p class="p1">“George?”</p><p class="p1">The older brother silenced the phone. He was wondering if it was worth talking to mom as well. “What?”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t hate me, right?”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t hate you. Sometimes you’re dumb, but I don’t hate you.”</p><p class="p1">“Sometimes I feel like you’re the only one who gets me.”</p><p class="p1">“Same.”</p><p class="p1">James got up after he had his share of the fries. “I think I’m gonna just go walk around alone. I’ll come back to the room before the sun sets.” He smiled to at least reassure his brother just a bit. “You know since they actually care about that here.”</p><p class="p1">He walked along the paths of the academy campus, trying to keep his mind empty. But it was clockwork. He’d come up with another memory of Frank saying something to him which lead to another memory of someone at the grocery store pointing him out and then his mother telling him to ignore it. He’d feel the pit in his stomach grow until he had to shake his head.</p><p class="p1">“Shut up! Shut up! Just stop thinking about it!”</p><p class="p1">And a few minutes later it would start again.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Why don’t you try harder in school? I’m your uncle, not your tutor.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">I don’t try because I’m bored the whole time.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Why do you hold your fork like that?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">Why even point that out?</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“You know what that fucking hair cut makes you look like?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">What, Frank? A twink? You called me that three days ago.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Your brother is focused and task driven. How the fuck are you so scatter-brained?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">Shut up.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“You can’t stay on task. You’ll never do anything worthy in your life.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">Fuck off.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“You’ll never be successful like your mother or your father.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">Seriously. SHUT. UP!</p><p class="p1">James, completely lost in his thoughts, didn’t realize where he was walking. He looked up and around, his feet taking him clear out to the edge of campus where dignitaries from all over The Federation stayed. Not far from him was a young woman and a young boy that looked his age. They were walking the path, enjoying the long rays of the sunset. </p><p class="p1">They caught each other’s eyes.</p><p class="p1">He’s never seen a Vulcan in real life before, let alone a kid. Vulcans were weirdly portrayed in the media, like they were born adults. When James made eye contact, he got lost in the deep dark pools staring at him. He thought he could see a hint of curiosity, but that didn’t make sense because Vulcans weren’t supposed to show they were curious about anything.</p><p class="p1">“Come Spock,” the young woman beckoned. “Your father will want us home shortly.”</p><p class="p1">James waited for them to enter the big glitzy building before running back to his own dormitory.</p><hr/><p class="p1">“How are you two holding up?”</p><p class="p1">James and George just stared back at the screen. Gee, mom. How do you think?</p><p class="p1">Winona sighed. “I’ll be down right truthful with you. I know I tell you two to watch your language all the time, but right now it’s all I can say. I really fucked up. I failed you two.”</p><p class="p1">George looked down at his lap. James bit his lip trying to hold back his tears. They were still conflicted. They loved her. They loved each other. They were family, but each of them knew she was right. She fucked up. Do they admit it, and reinforce what she said? Or do they play it off as a mistake?</p><p class="p1">James shook his head.</p><p class="p1">“I told you so.”</p><p class="p1">“You did.”</p><p class="p1">“How come you ignored me?”</p><p class="p1">George gripped the hem of his shirt. He ignored James plenty of times. Why didn’t he listen too?</p><p class="p1">“I know you don’t like Frank. I thought you were making most of it up.” Winona wiped the tears away from her eyes. “Oh god James. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen.”</p><p class="p1">“Mom?” George looked up. “Frank didn’t just threaten us.”</p><p class="p1">James snapped his head around. “George…”</p><p class="p1">“She’s gotta know…”</p><p class="p1">“Know what?”</p><p class="p1">George clenched his jaw remembering the night James was trying to pull himself away from Frank’s grip. Where he hid behind his bedroom door and saw everything through the crack alongside the hinges. And then the other summer afternoon where Frank pushed James out of his way. The Corvette.</p><p class="p1">“Frank locked James up in the trunk of the Corvette for two days last year,” he rushed through the sentence as fast as he could to make sure James couldn’t stop him.</p><p class="p1">The ensign that was supervising the two boys silently exited the room. They had to make a few calls regarding a now new abuse investigation. Winona fell silent. The sniffling stopped from both parties.</p><p class="p1">“I’m coming home. I’ll be on the next ship out. We can’t talk about this over a video call. I’ll be there in four days.” Winona blew them both a kiss. “Four days and we’ll sort this all out. You will never deal with Frank again.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">“I’m worthless.” James sighed into his bowl of oatmeal. He escaped early from his room while George still slept and wandered into the main mess hall. There were a few kids like him, and there were a few cadets in a study circle. They were arguing over a logic problem.</p><p class="p1">“It’s a red herring you guys,” he muttered under his breath. James never liked to admit it, but all his time trying to stay away from Frank was spent reading anything remotely interesting. The man’s voice was constantly nit picking his brain, James thought it’d be better to be a jack of all trades. Learn everything and choose something later.</p><p class="p1">“Do you study logic,” an unwavering voice asked.</p><p class="p1">James looked up.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>The Vulcan!</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Um, no. Not really. I just read a lot.”</p><p class="p1">“Fascinating. I understand that many humans at your age do not engage in logic studies.”</p><p class="p1">The Vulcan, Spock, sat down at the table across from him. He lightly set his bowl of fruit salad before him.</p><p class="p1">“They don’t.” James squinted. What a weird way to start a conversation. “And how old are you?”</p><p class="p1">“I am 12 Earth years. And yes on Vulcan we start our logic studies at a young age.”</p><p class="p1">“Cause that’s all you guys are right? Big ole logic machines?”</p><p class="p1">“Vulcans are organic matter. Not machines.”</p><p class="p1">“I was talking about your big brains.”</p><p class="p1">Spock tilted his head. “My sentence still stands. While the brain is comparable to a computer it is still organic matter.”</p><p class="p1">James sighed.</p><p class="p1">“A forceful exhale of air.”</p><p class="p1">“A sigh.”</p><p class="p1">“To what purpose does it serve?”</p><p class="p1">“A response to the fact you can’t figure out what a metaphor is.”</p><p class="p1">“I know what a metaphor is.”</p><p class="p1">“Then you should know that I wasn’t actually saying you’re all machines.”</p><p class="p1">Spock blinked a couple of times rerunning the conversation in his head. “Oh. I see where I was mistaken.”</p><p class="p1">James smiled. And he thought all Vulcans were supposed to have these superiority complexes. There was no shortage of people saying Vulcans thought they were better than humans. He didn’t doubt there was truth to that, but what his mother told him all the time was to give people a chance and live up to more than what the gossip was.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Why did mom keep giving Frank all these chances?</em>
</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” James looked at his food once more. He really should eat more than just junk food, but this oatmeal was the least bit appetizing.</p><p class="p1">“Is something pestering you?” Spock asked. James expected to look at a face full of concern, but there was just a stone slab in front of him. How interesting.</p><p class="p1">“Er…no. I mean, there’s lots of stuff going on, but I can’t talk about it.” James shook his head. “It’s dumb. Anyway, I’d rather talk about what you’re doing on Earth. I’ve only been to San Fransisco a couple of times, where I live there aren’t a lot of aliens.”</p><p class="p1">“My father is the Ambassador to Vulcan.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh dude, no way!”</p><p class="p1">James could see the flash of astonishment on the little Vulcan’s face. He didn’t mean to catch him off guard, but James was not expecting such a cool answer.</p><p class="p1">“Yes. Very much so,” Spock recollected himself. His mother warned him humans could illicit an emotional response.</p><p class="p1">“So, does he like take you all over the galaxy? Do you get to meet cool aliens? What’s it like?”</p><p class="p1">Spock was overwhelmed by the human’s curiosity. Was it like this all the time with humans or just this particular one? Or was it because he’s a child with an unrefined mind? He needed to explore this further.</p><p class="p1">“I do not accompany my father. I am only here because his duties require it, and my mother wanted to show me what it is like on her home planet.”</p><p class="p1">James’ smile was so much bigger now. He yearned for the same thing, for his mom to whisk him away to another planet to see the sights and sounds. And while his mom was from Earth, she was spending so much time investing her ideas and plans on this new colony that he wanted to see it so badly. He envied Spock.</p><p class="p1">“That’s awesome. I hope you like it here. I like it here. I mean I wanna explore, and see the galaxy and Vulcan, but Earth is really cool.”</p><p class="p1">Spock nodded. “I find it interesting.” He grabbed a helping of his breakfast, finally ingesting physical sustenance to help him process this conversation.</p><p class="p1">“I have yet to ask,” Spock looked up from his meal. “What’s your name?”</p><p class="p1">“Uhm, it’s Jim.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Jim? Not James? Not Jimmy, that’s too juvenile. Jim. Huh.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“It’s short for James, but I don’t really like that name anymore.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Reminds me of all the times he’s screamed it before hitting me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I’m Spock.” He nodded his head. “While it’s not entirely in my mind set to say it’s ‘nice’ to meet you, I do honestly believe it is nice meeting you, Jim.”</p><p class="p1">“Hey uh, I dunno what you’re up to, but um do you wanna hang out? I’m only here for a few more days. But if you wanna we could go walk around campus. There’s this HUGE oak tree that everyone seems to try climbing.”</p><p class="p1">There was a slight smile in Spock’s eyes. “Yes. I think that would be a fascinating time well spent.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">The two boys went their separate ways. Spock went back to his rooms explaining to his parents his day’s itinerary. His mother was delighted that Spock had already made connections with another boy his age. His father was pleased, as it is a duty to connect with the local population.</p><p class="p1">Jim returned to his room where he saw George lying on his bed, hanging upside-down over the side. He was reading a bunch of comics.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, I’m gonna hang out with a friend I made this morning. Don’t worry about me, ‘kay?”</p><p class="p1">George looked away from his padd. “Kay. Just don’t forget to tell the ensign. I don’t want them thinking you ran away.”</p><p class="p1">Jim nodded. “You can come with if you want. Even if all you’re doing is reading comic books.”</p><p class="p1">He laughed. A good sign. George had been looking rather gloomy lately. “James, it’s cool. I’m not gonna be like Frank and like keep you inside.”</p><p class="p1">The two looked away from each other and let the silence fill the room.</p><p class="p1">“Uh, George? Don’t call me James anymore. Frank ruined it. Just say Jim from now on.”</p><p class="p1">George rolled onto his stomach. He held a thumbs up. “Got it bro. What about Jimmy T?”</p><p class="p1">Jim folded his arms and scowled. “Dude that makes me sound like some shitty car salesman!”</p><p class="p1">George started into a laughing fit. The thing was, he could perfectly picture his brother starting some car lot of old antique cars wearing suits as old as the cars themselves.</p><p class="p1">“Goooodddd, you’re so dumb,” Jim stomped over to his bed and grabbed his hoodie from his backpack. “I’ll be back at some point dude. Don’t laugh yourself into a coma.”</p><p class="p1">“Jim,” he was still laughing. “I promise I won’t call you Jimmy T. At least out loud.” George’s eyes were wet with tears. “No more James. Just remind me if I slip up ‘kay?”</p><p class="p1">Jim stuck his tongue out as he left. He stood in the hallway feeling weird about himself, like he did something wrong.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>What’s so funny about me not wanting to be called something? Maybe I’ll start calling him names in public and see how he reacts.</em>
</p><p class="p1">He ran out to the campus grounds at the meeting spot he and Spock agreed on.</p><p class="p1">The Vulcan was already waiting for him. When he was at breakfast, Spock was in a simple black robe. Now he was wearing black jeans and a black long-sleeved t-shirt. As he approached he could feel his cheeks getting hot. Maybe he should have kept the hoodie at home.</p><p class="p1">“I see you changed.”</p><p class="p1">“You did say of the possibility of climbing a tree.”</p><p class="p1">“Vulcans climb trees?”</p><p class="p1">“No, but I do see the logic in trying.”</p><p class="p1">Jim started walking their way towards the big oak tree. “So is everything you do based in logic?”</p><p class="p1">Spock nodded.</p><p class="p1">“Do you guys have emotions? I hear some people say you don’t and then others say you do.”</p><p class="p1">“We have emotions. But we repress them.”</p><p class="p1">“Huh.”</p><p class="p1">“A curiosity?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. If humans repress emotions it could actually kill us.”</p><p class="p1">“And if Vulcans act on their emotions it could … actually kill us.”</p><p class="p1">On their walk they kept comparing. Jim and Spock were both equally fascinated at what each other thought was completely normal and what wasn’t. The beauty was the fact that they were still children, largely untouched by prejudice. And the preconceptions they both heard about their respective species was easily dismantled.</p><p class="p1">They reached the oak tree, where Jim circled its trunk looking for the best route up to the first branch. He kicked at it to get a feel for the bark and grasped onto it with his hands.</p><p class="p1">“What exactly are you trying to do?”</p><p class="p1">Jim looked back at Spock who was inspecting the tree as well, but in his own inward way.</p><p class="p1">“Figuring out how to climb it.”</p><p class="p1">“Hm, I am as well. Perhaps if you try slightly to your left. It looks like a good start.”</p><p class="p1">He moved to the spot and grasped at the trunk. “I dunno. You sure?”</p><p class="p1">Spock nodded. He approached Jim and held his hands up to the trunk. These notches would give you good lift and then—“</p><p class="p1">“—I could hit up those knobs. Oh that’s perfect.”</p><p class="p1">They were able to climb halfway up the tree. Jim thought it would be best to hang out on the thicker branches despite his desire to go higher. Something about playing it safe while he was in the care of a temporary guardian.</p><p class="p1">It was nice for once to be around someone who listened to him, who didn’t judge, or cared to solicit advice. Spock was purely curious about this human. For one, he couldn’t conceive how someone’s eyes could be this incredibly blue. It was a rarity on Vulcan to have any other eye color than brown. Even a light brown was pushing it.</p><p class="p1">Jim admittedly found Spock to be cute. There was something in his face that he couldn’t figure out, but there was definitely an attraction. He could feel it when he saw Spock for the first time, but now as the alien was sitting on the branch below he could look and admire. He had a nice nose, nice lips, his eyes were so dark and mesmerizing. He loved the eyebrows. Jim never had crushes on boys before, but then again, all the boys back home were pretty fucking ugly.</p><p class="p1">There was a pristine aura about Spock. He was perfect.</p><p class="p1">“Hey Spock? Do you wanna be like your dad when you get older?”</p><p class="p1">He kicked his legs out in front of him, stretching. “I do not. I honestly do not know how he can speak with so many different people and not tire.”</p><p class="p1">Jim laughed. “My mom complains about that. She’s an adviser. So she has to talk to a lot of people. Sometimes she’ll come home and tell me how she’s had to tell the same people the same thing in thirty different ways because they can’t listen.”</p><p class="p1">“Communication with others is truly a mystery sometimes,” Spock mused. “It is however, very easy communicating with you Jim.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah same. You don’t get mad at me when I ask you stuff. Or maybe you do, I dunno.” Jim blushed. “You’d say something if I asked something wrong, right?”</p><p class="p1">“I would make sure to correct you,” Spock gave Jim the slightest smile.</p><p class="p1">The smallest uptick of the mouth delighted Jim more than he’d ever been. It was such a simple gesture of trust between them, he couldn’t believe he achieved that with a Vulcan. He felt blessed. He felt like the omniscient being that was out to destroy his life was finally changing their ways.</p><p class="p1">“Good, cause I gotta be held accountable.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">Winona deserved the lackluster reunion with her sons. Part of her wanted them to come running up to her, hugging her while she cried and told them she was sorry. But when she stepped off the transporter pad the two looked at her, only briefly happy she was home. Then they avoided eye contact.</p><p class="p1">Jim and George’s assigned ensign led them all to a room where they were supervised. Because of the nature of the pending investigation and the stories the two boys told, all visitations had to be supervised until Winona herself was cleared. She wasn’t even mad about the situation; it made sense. It verified her guilt.</p><p class="p1">“George, James…”</p><p class="p1">“Call him Jim.”</p><p class="p1">Winona furrowed her brows. She stared intently at George who spoke with more conviction than he ever had. “I-“</p><p class="p1">“Jim wants to be called Jim,” George spoke, staring at the floor. He couldn’t look at her.</p><p class="p1">She turned her attention to Jim who mirrored George: staring at the floor. “Okay. Jim from now on. Please, can you two look at me, if only for a minute?”</p><p class="p1">Her two boys looked up. She admired them, their locks of blonde hair, their blue eyes. The freckles across their cheeks…</p><p class="p1">Winona saw so much of her husband in them both, she couldn’t believe how she let so much harm happen to them when she promised herself to protect them from the universe and its prying eyes.</p><p class="p1">“I failed you both. I don’t want to sugar coat. I know that how I responded to your cries for help J-Jim fueled all of this. Every little thing you said, I should have listened to. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, and I know that’s not enough.”</p><p class="p1">“No. It’s not enough.” Jim mumbled, but Winona could have sworn he yelled it.</p><p class="p1">“I need to know from you both,” she wrapped her arms around herself. “How are you feeling? When you look at me, what comes to mind?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m mad at you,” Jim frowned.</p><p class="p1">“Same. Angry,” George grumbled. He was feeling guilty too. With all the opportunities he had to stop everything, he was just as guilty as his mom. Everything Jim said about Winona, George decided it was about him too. But he just couldn’t admit it.</p><p class="p1">“I deserve your anger,” she wiped away the tears. “Do you boys trust me?”</p><p class="p1">They looked at each other. The past few nights the two struggled with this very question. She didn’t listen, but they loved her. She was their mom, who they knew loved them very much. It wasn’t intentional what happened, but it didn’t stop them from wondering how far it could have gone.</p><p class="p1">Winona nodded, taking the hesitation for a “no.” That she didn’t blame them for either.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay. It’s okay not to trust me. I wasn’t earning it, was I? If you boys let me, I’d like to try and earn it.”</p><p class="p1">“I just want you to listen to me,” Jim’s eyes watered.</p><p class="p1">“Ban Frank from the house,” George said.</p><p class="p1">“From what he’s done, he’ll only be seeing a cell,” Winona sighed.</p><p class="p1">“Good riddance,” Jim spat.</p><hr/><p class="p1">Jim made another early morning trip to the mess hall just hoping to find Spock. It was a long shot, but he bet on his Vulcan friend sticking to a routine. Then again what did he know? Spock could be a Vulcan who didn’t want to stick to a routine. He really should stop assuming.</p><p class="p1">But once again he was sitting at a table with a bowl of oatmeal (this time he added blueberries and brown sugar), hoping Spock would show himself. It was Jim’s last day on campus and he wanted to say good bye and thanks, and if he was really lucky ask him if he could keep in touch.</p><p class="p1">He sighed in relief when he saw Spock walk through the doors. He blushed when he watched him grab a bowl of fruit and yoghurt, his stomach churned when Spock realized who was sitting at the table.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh my god, he’s so so stupid cute.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Crap, I’m crushing on a Vulcan I just met!</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Jim,” Spock said, his voice slightly higher than normal. It must have been the Vulcan equivalent to a cheery good morning.</p><p class="p1">“Hey,” he returned. He hoped Spock didn’t notice his cheeks going red. They sure were hot. “Um, good morning so far?”</p><p class="p1">“It is,” Spock pondered, pausing slightly to actually think about if his morning was good or not. It was comprised of the things he usually did, which set up the rest of the day for him. So it had to have been good since he did not deviate from his routine. “A pleasant morning.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s great, mine was good too, well I guess cause I woke up like an hour ago, so I dunno I still have a lot of morning to experience, but this past hour has been really nice and peaceful, and…”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh my god dude shut up.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, I’m rambling. I ramble when I’m nervous.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>WHY DID YOU ADMIT THAT?!</em>
</p><p class="p1">“As most humans do.”</p><p class="p1">Thankfully Spock was oblivious to most human interactions so this all blew over Spock’s head.</p><p class="p1">“Um, It’s my last day here and I really liked hanging out with you.” Jim stirred his oatmeal until it went a beautiful purple. “I was wondering if you wanted to be like pen pals or something.”</p><p class="p1">Spock locked eyes with Jim. “Of course. I will provide you with my contact information.”</p><p class="p1">Jim blushed even more. “Yeah? For sure? Really?”</p><p class="p1">And there it was again, the slightest upturn of the corners of Spock’s mouth. “Yes for sure. Your company has been a positive experience. I wish to continue it.”</p><p class="p1">They ate while discussing their planet’s ideas of the perfect breakfast food. Jim was the least bit surprised when it comprised mostly of fruits on Vulcan, while Spock was more curious about Earth’s. He didn’t seem to grasp why all these breakfast foods also sounded like desserts.</p><p class="p1">So Jim got up and replicated them French toast. He was delighted at Spock’s repulsed but curious face. He was even more delighted when Spock tried said French toast and decided that he enjoyed it.</p><p class="p1">“Never would I have thought I’d enjoy such a thing. More suitable for dessert, however.”</p><p class="p1">Jim laughed as he watched Spock eat the entire plate.</p><p class="p1">The two left the mess hall as the logic students were once again fighting over a fallacy. Jim barely noticed the group though, he was entirely focused on the Vulcan next to him. Maybe if he just slightly, very slowly inched his way closer to him…</p><p class="p1">As the fog started to lift and the sun started to sprinkle the droplets of dew with golds and pinks, Jim and Spock were strolling down a pathway next to the science labs: their arms flush.</p><p class="p1">“I just wanted to say ‘thanks.’ I’ve been going through a rough time for the past few years and it’s been really nice to talk to someone like you, Spock.”</p><p class="p1">The Vulcan nodded, understanding how company with the right person can have positive effects for a human. It was weird for him as well, as Jim definitely made him feel better, possibly actually happy. With Jim, he didn’t focus on his father’s constant obsession with trying to be a better disciplined Vulcan. He didn’t have to remember how his mother would always defend him. While he was with Jim, he could be and act to his true self, and if that meant letting an emotion slip here and there, so be it.</p><p class="p1">They arrived outside Spock’s building. Jim’s lower lip trembled. He really didn’t want to lose this person they’d just met!</p><p class="p1">“I-I’m glad I met you.”</p><p class="p1">He quickly kissed Spock on the lips.</p><p class="p1">Jim planned to run off, but Spock grabbed his wrist. They locked eyes once more while Spock grabbed Jim’s hand and tightly squeezed it.</p><p class="p1">“I’m glad I met you,” he returned. Before letting Jim run off, Spock brushed his fingers along the human’s. “Until we meet again.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll text you every day.”</p><p class="p1">“Likewise.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">The rest of the year was tumultuous. George and Jim spent many of their days outside of school in courts and in counseling. Jim didn’t think it would do much, he still felt like everyone was judging him. He felt it from his brother, he felt it from his neighbors, and even his own mother. They’d make a comment and Jim would want to slink off to his room and try to fix whatever he thought was wrong.</p><p class="p1">At first it was talking. Maybe he spent too much time talking and sharing his ideas. So he resolved to shut up more. He heard George make a comment about how he ate his food, so then Jim spent a week trying to change how he chewed, how he held his utensils, and even how he chose what food to eat first off his plate. That was because Winona asked if he’d been eating his vegetables.</p><p class="p1">They saw Frank twice. Jim was terrified if he was still as mad as George told him he was when he stole the car. He was terrified that he’d be let free because it was all Jim’s fault. Jim would be the one to get into trouble.</p><p class="p1">Jim never got in trouble, everyone told him he didn’t do anything wrong. It was all Frank and it was him trying to instill fear as a means to get what he wanted. No, Jim never got into trouble. He just had nightmares and intrusive thoughts. He was locked within his dwindling mind.</p><p class="p1">One day Jim was sitting in class. His teacher, Mr. Pireah, assigned their seats alphabetically. Normally it was never rough having a last name in the middle of the alphabet: always first when split into to groups, never last, and always guaranteed limited items. But this particular class he was placed right in the middle of the room, right down the teacher’s line of sight. He couldn’t ever escape. This particular day, everyone was being a bit too rowdy. The students were talkative and no one paid attention to the Pireah’s requests to quiet down.</p><p class="p1">It also didn’t help that there were rumors going around that they were bragging about not doing their assigned reading. Pireah was rightfully pissed off.Halfway through a very stern and agonizing lecture, Jim realized he couldn’t handle the man’s raised voice and accusatory tone. His heart rate spiked, and the fear in his gut was rising up to his throat. Jim shut his eyes as tight as possible, he could feel the tears coming, so he hid his face behind his hands.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Not now. No not now please just shut up. Stop yelling. Please stop yelling. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t I didn’t I didn’t!</em>
</p><p class="p1">George was on his way home when some of his friends stopped him.</p><p class="p1">“Hey did you hear what happened to your brother?”</p><p class="p1">“What?”</p><p class="p1">“He started crying in the middle of class. Teacher had to take him to the office.”</p><p class="p1">George frowned. “Okay, and what about it? If you got anything more to say, I’ll throw every single one of you off your bikes into oncoming traffic.”</p><p class="p1">The three boys backed off when they saw George clench his fists.</p><p class="p1">Winona arrived at the school’s main office. The administration was fully aware of his home situation, but none of them were aware of how it could affect his every day life. Up until then, Jim didn’t have any signs of lingering trauma.</p><p class="p1">Jim left by Winona’s side, his head hung to the ground. He couldn’t make eye contact with anyone.</p><p class="p1">On the fourth incident of this type, the fourth time Winona was driving them home, she finally brought it up.</p><p class="p1">“Maybe you need to try counseling again.”</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t like it.”</p><p class="p1">“But it’ll help.”</p><p class="p1">Jim folded his arms. He was too drained to fight. “Fine.”</p><p class="p1">“Sweetie…”</p><p class="p1">“It’s not fair. Frank’s in a fucking cell, but he’s still ruining my life.”</p><p class="p1">She heard the same sentence from George.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, then maybe we could all use a drastic change of scenery.”</p><p class="p1">“Like what.”</p><p class="p1">“I was planing to ask you two if you wanted to come with me to the colony I’ve been advising on. Maybe it might be better if we move there. Temporarily.”</p><p class="p1">Jim’s attention perked up. “Really?”</p><p class="p1">“Really. If I can just get you boys away from here for a while, maybe it’ll help.”</p><p class="p1">“Does it have a name? I remember you talking a couple years ago about a name.”</p><p class="p1">Winona laughed. She spent long long hours trying to convince the Federation of a better more pleasing name.</p><p class="p1">“It’s lackluster. I’d rather it be something interesting. But no, The Federation wanted us to stick with Tarsus IV.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't know how many of you have been traumatized by men yelling, but I've lived my whole life like this. Teachers yelling at the class because a few shits were causing problems was THE WORST. Being accused of doing something wrong was also another thing that brought me to tears that the teachers could never figure out why. Hell, I didn't figure out why until I was like...25.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Interregnum (1)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>12:43</p>
<p>Room 4:  "Debriefing"</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm doing weird literary things again. I blame James Joyce (AGAIN).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><b>Frieda Gorgolo:</b> <span class="Apple-converted-space"> <br/>
</span>Most of these problems came about when you were eight, nine, ten. Have you ever thought about why Frank wasn’t really a problem until then?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>James T. Kirk:<br/>
</b>Probably because I was pretty passive when I was younger. I don’t think he saw me as a threat until I started making more friends and growing my world view. I’m convinced Frank used me as a perfect excuse to hold power over someone.I know he hated me. He hated my very existence.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>You are always in the shadow of your father. You’re always in the shadow of that event. You’ve been pretty vocal about struggling with that. I think Frank built that foundation on which that struggle is built.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>I don’t doubt it. I mean, I’d get noticed especially if I was out in public with my mom. It’s why she rarely brought me to Starfleet functions because the looks were apparently constant; filled with horror. I don’t have any memory that, though. Frank really wanted me to feel like I was the problem for everyone else’s problems. I was the reason why my mom was on the Kelvin in the first place. I was the reason why he had to help her. Cause you know, looking after one kid would be easy, but two? Heh, he loved making me feel worthless.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>Did you believe it?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Sometimes.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>Do you still believe it?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Y-yeah.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<span class="Apple-converted-space"> <br/>
</span></b>You’re not worthless. I do want you to know that. You’re absolutely not worthless.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>I know I’m not worthless. I Know. I know all these things you tell me and will continue to tell me. But I don’t feel it. I like to separate my brain into two factions: you’ve got the reasoning part, and then you’ve got the part where you feel. I know I’m not worthless and I’m not the cause for all this shit. I’ve known it my whole life. But they way I feel? It fights against all the reasoning I can come up with. No amount of reasoning has kept me from ever thinking these intrusive thoughts. It’s a fucking shit show. It’s fucking irritating knowing that I know, but I can’t stop it. It’d be nice for it to stop!</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<span class="Apple-converted-space"><br/>
</span></b>At least you’re aware of it. That’s a lot to be said right there.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth being aware.There are days when I wish I was blissfully ignorant. Just the other day I caught someone looking at me, and it all came flooding back. I felt insecure, I felt ashamed of my existence…I hold enormous power and I’m scared of someone looking at me?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<span class="Apple-converted-space"><br/>
</span></b>Always like Frank peering around the corner, looking for something to blame you with? Or the patrons at the grocery store recognizing you and your mom? It’s okay to recall that insecurity. Considering all the power you do have, it’s healthy to be very aware of yourself. We just need to get rid of that attachment to Frank.</p>
<p class="p1">Where did this happen by the way?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Oh great, you’ll love this. It was the fucking bridge. … Fuck. The last place. Last fucking place. God it was a fucking—-cadet. I’m trying to remember their face. Yeah a cadet who was shadowing one of our ops specialists.</p>
<p class="p1">Stupid..stupid.</p>
<p class="p1">You think they noticed?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>What are you scared they noticed about you?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<span class="Apple-converted-space"><br/>
</span></b>Everything!</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>I thought the only person on your ship who could read your thoughts is your first officer?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>I—yeah.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>So then this cadet couldn’t possibly know you were insecure. And even if they did, they’re better off knowing their captain isn’t an emotionless slab of organic matter.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Like my first officer.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>You and I both know very well your first officer is far from that.<br/>
You’ve been falling back into that habit again.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Which one?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>Relying a little too much on him. Not to say it’s not good to have a confidant. But you just avoided a difficult train of thought by bringing him up using a pretty pathetic joke.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<span class="Apple-converted-space"><br/>
</span></b>You brought him up first—oh. I see what you were doing. Bring him up and see if I interpret it as permission to talk about him.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>Okay, I’ll give you permission. I see it. You’re itching to talk about him. You don’t talk much about those first years you knew him.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>Guess not. Talking to him was the happiest moments of my life back then. Especially when we first moved to Tarsus IV.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>Tarsus IV?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>No.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Gorgolo:<br/>
</b>No?</p>
<p class="p1"><b>Kirk:<br/>
</b>I—I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Not ever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Gorgolo is named after a band I enjoy: Gogol Bordello. A combination of the words because I sometimes read too fast for my own good.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Winona sees a change.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“I’ve been thinking.”</p>
<p class="p1">Jim looked up from his phone. He spent most of the drive back home texting Spock. Barely aware of where he was, George’s voice alerted him to the world around him.</p>
<p class="p1">“What about?”</p>
<p class="p1">“We’re still pretty new here and we haven’t met many people yet. What if I introduce myself with my middle name?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Samuel?” Jim glanced back at his conversation. His message from two minutes ago was still unanswered.</p>
<p class="p1">“Yeah. New planet, new name.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Did you tell mom?”</p>
<p class="p1">“She wasn’t really happy—-or mad—-or anything.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Figures.” Jim looked up once more. His brother was in the middle of writing something down, the decision to tell Jim was on a whim. “You def look like a Sam. Sammy G. And Jimmy T.”</p>
<p class="p1">Sam groaned. “Maaannn…you’re never gonna let me forget about that morning are you? Sounds like a fucking couple of porn stars.”</p>
<p class="p1">Jim laughed amidst a groan of disgust. “Okay okay, I didn’t think that through. But here’s the deal, if we grow up and gotta make a ton of money quick we’re using those names.”</p>
<p class="p1">He could only roll his eyes at the thought. The two of them still together in adulthood? Yeah that won’t happen. It rarely does. He gazed back down at his journal and wrote down a few more sentences:</p>
<p class="p1">
  <em>George is dead. He has been for 11 years. Let him live in peace. I don’t deserve his name.</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p class="p1">Tarsus IV, at least the the part they lived in, was nothing like Iowa. The colony was establishing their capital and planning on expanding. Of the 8 thousand colonists, most of them lived in the urban area of the settlement, but there were the outliers, the ones who wanted to farm and mine. They were the most important backbone of the colony; building the foundation for more colonists to arrive in the coming years.</p>
<p class="p1">The Kirks lived in the capitol, Winona’s job demanded it. She was the governor’s top advisor and Starfleet’s main liaison with the colony. But she wanted to keep her family life and work life as separate as possible, so she chose to live on the outer skirts of the city. Just far enough away where she couldn’t always reasonably travel back into town at an unreasonable hour.</p>
<p class="p1">Their home was smaller than that of the old farmhouse back home, but it had two stories and a porch. For the lack of a yard, the entire neighborhood was theirs to explore. Tarsus’ days were four hours longer than Earth’s, it made for extra free time before homework had to be started.</p>
<p class="p1">The two boys’ lives didn’t change much as far as school and work and play. In the two weeks that they’ve been there Jim and Sam were able to make some new friends. Unlike Iowa, their friend groups didn’t overlap. Sam was able to get a much needed break from his brother.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s not that he didn’t like Jim. He loved him and he’d do anything for him. But Sam approached relocating to Tarsus IV with a new outlook. He wanted to break away from spending so much time with Jim, and allow himself to find new hobbies and interests without his brother tagging along.</p>
<p class="p1">And maybe the less time spent with Jim would make him feel less guilty.</p>
<p class="p1">“Do you hate me or something?”</p>
<p class="p1">Sam looked up from his stack of notes. He was busy writing a paper for school, the dinner table was the least distracting place to do it.</p>
<p class="p1">“No?”</p>
<p class="p1">Jim slid one of the notebooks closer to him, he caught a glimpse of the subject (industrialization in the mid-1800s). He frowned.</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh. Okay.”</p>
<p class="p1">Sam set his pencil down when Jim didn’t leave. Either his brother had something more to say and had to be persuaded or he had something to say about the paragraph he no doubt was reading (and judging).</p>
<p class="p1">“Dude. I don’t hate you.”</p>
<p class="p1">“It just seems like you’re avoiding me. But whatever. Forget it. Forget I said anything, I’m really fucking stupid, I’m just-“</p>
<p class="p1">Jim clenched his jaw. He could feel the knot in his throat trying to make him cry. Some days he wished he never spoke his mind, that he’d stay silent, that everything he’d say was erased from the world around him. There’s no value to his thoughts, why speak them?</p>
<p class="p1">So he waved his hand and shook his head. “Stupid question. Sorry.”</p>
<p class="p1">Sam pushed his work away from him while he watched his brother saunter off to his room.</p>
<p class="p1">He figured Jim would come out for dinner, but he didn’t show. Winona tried coaxing him out, but she couldn’t hear anything.</p>
<p class="p1">It was in the early morning hours when she couldn’t sleep that she quietly opened the door to his room. Jim was under the covers in bed, the familiar blue glow of light shined from underneath. She wasn’t sure if she should say anything since opening his door was already a breach of privacy.</p>
<p class="p1">Relenting, Winona heated up their leftover dinner and sat the plate just inside Jim’s room.</p>
<p class="p1">At least he took it.</p>
<hr/>
<p class="p1">She watched the rift grow between her sons.</p>
<p class="p1">Sam was outgoing. He spent most of his time hanging out with his friends. In school he was well-known and liked. Most everybody wanted to befriend him. He wanted to befriend everyone.</p>
<p class="p1">Jim was well-liked too. But he sought out far fewer friendships. He had four close friends, and of course Spock whom he regularly messaged. Jim felt more at peace with his group, and being solitary with them.</p>
<p class="p1">He was no longer that boy Winona come home to back on Earth. She watched Jim refuse invites from Sam to the point where Sam stopped bothering. At first the two boys would catch up when they were at home for dinner and afterwards while working on schoolwork. But that started to dwindle over the year.</p>
<p class="p1">She watched her family become mere roommates.</p>
<p class="p1">It wouldn’t have bothered Winona so much if Jim didn’t keep coming home with disciplinary infractions and failing grades. One afternoon she was called to his school for a meeting.</p>
<p class="p1">“Don’t worry, he’s not in trouble.” Jim’s linguistics teacher was the one who called. He brought it up to Jim’s counselor who agreed. He stood with his arms crossed, fiddling with his glasses from time to time. “Actually, it makes a lot of sense now…”</p>
<p class="p1">Winona made herself at home in the school’s counseling office. She’d been there more times than she liked, both on official business and on Jim’s account. “Make sense out of what? He’s been acting out and I can’t seem to figure out why. I can’t actually punish him because he already spends all his time in his room, and the one time I tried to take away his phone and his padd, he just lied in the living room and went to sleep like it was nothing.”</p>
<p class="p1">The counselor, Victor Krue, chuckled. “That’s clever.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Sounds like the kind of things he does here, too.” The linguistics teacher nodded. “Which is why I talked to Victor and Victor told me something pretty amusing.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Amusing?” Winona sighed. She leaned back in her spot on the sofa, running a hand through her hair. “Sorry, Mister…Reyes? I just don’t see what’s amusing about all of this. It’s stressful.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t mean to make light of the situation, Commander Kirk. I’m sorry,” Reyes pushed up his glasses. “Jim took the Starfleet entrance exam. I mean, not the real one since he’s not old enough, but the ones they start giving prospects.”</p>
<p class="p1">“The kid fucking aced it,” Krue pulled out a file. “I asked him what prompted him and he said he was bored enough to take his friend’s suggestion.”</p>
<p class="p1">Winona grabbed the file and looked through the results. She was familiar with practice exams, finding potential candidates, and reviewing entrants. It was one of the many jobs she held while she was at the academy. As an advisor, she used these same exams and class evaluations for cadets who were just entering their real-world practicum.</p>
<p class="p1">Jim was a perfect candidate.</p>
<p class="p1">“He’s twelve.”</p>
<p class="p1">“And too smart for his own good.” Reyes shrugged.</p>
<p class="p1">“I asked him to take a few more tests,” Krue pulled out a few more folders. “Kid’s a damn genius. He’s bored. I’ve seen this in a few others. They’re bored, they already know the stuff. If they don’t, they grasp on to it and excel easily. Now, if we were anywhere more established I’d set him up on an actual challenging learning track. I can do it remotely—“</p>
<p class="p1">Winona threw her head back in exasperation. “Remote learning doesn’t work for him.”</p>
<p class="p1">Krue nodded. “I don’t want to step out of bounds here, but considering your position in the colony’s government, I was actually wondering if you could engage him that way.”</p>
<p class="p1">“There’s options.” Winona kept staring at her son’s profile. “Limited options, but you’re right.I do have a bit of clout with Kodos.”</p>
<hr/>
<p class="p1">It was a weekly ritual for Jim. He’d fix his hair and put on his best shirt and sit at his desk. Every Tuesday (Federation time of course) at 8 pm he’d video chat with Spock. They’d catch up with their personal lives, Jim would complain about Sam making a mess in the kitchen and groan on and on about his mother nagging him. Spock would do just about the same, of course in the most Vulcan way possible.</p>
<p class="p1">Some Tuesdays however they’d watch a movie together or look at what Spock was currently studying. Lately, it was dark matter and dark energy.</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh so they told my mom about my taking that practice exam.”</p>
<p class="p1">Spock looked at the screen, the curiosity and pure amusement of this whole situation was scattered across his face. Albeit, if Jim’s mother walked in she wouldn’t see a thing.</p>
<p class="p1">“And how did she perceive the results?”</p>
<p class="p1">“She couldn’t even figure out why I’d take it anyway since I trash talk Starfleet all the time. You know, she called you a bad influence.”</p>
<p class="p1">The slightest, smallest laugh.</p>
<p class="p1">“Your mother called me a bad influence? Does she not know how much I pester you about your homework?”</p>
<p class="p1">Jim shook his head. He was blushing hard. Despite being lightyears away his crush never ceased.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m sure she’s walked by my door plenty of times while you’ve lectured me on the importance of sucking it up and just fucking doing it, but I think she’s more alarmed by the fact that I’m hiding a lot from her.”</p>
<p class="p1">“A wise conclusion. I know my mother feels the same about me.” Spock nodded. “So, what will be your mother’s call to action?”</p>
<p class="p1">“She wants me to work as a clerk in the governor’s office or some shit. Actually, she’s forcing me to do it. Something about making sure I’m actively engaged and not wasting my life away or something. I dunno, there’s a few other kids that are working the gov’s office too, so I won’t be alone. </p>
<p class="p1">“You still studying to get into the Vulcan Science Academy?”</p>
<p class="p1">Spock nodded. “A will of my father’s. He sees the potential I have and like your mother does not want me to waste it.”</p>
<p class="p1">It was Spock’s turn to blush now. “I erm…would like to thank you for the materials you’ve gifted me. They’ve helped immensely.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh yeah dude, of course!” Jim grinned. “When you told me they didn’t have learning plans on Vulcan to help with dyslexia I wasn’t gonna like let you suffer. I have a friend back on Earth who has it, and once he had tools to help him out he was like the smartest kid in the class. Plus, I figured you’d enjoy learning yet another thing about the twisted inner workings of the human brain.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I found the reading to be interesting, yes. So much more so because I believe the term you’d use about these solutions is that they are all ‘common sense.’”</p>
<p class="p1">“Spock, common sense doesn’t exist. I mean, just look at me. I’m a perfect example of that. I’m desperately in love with you and we’ve only physically met once.”</p>
<p class="p1">The Vulcan’s face softened. He looked behind his shoulder then closed his eyes. Spock’s full smile was a beautiful sight. It was still rare for Jim to see, but when he saw he held on to the memory for weeks.</p>
<p class="p1">“Hmmmm, yes. Shan’hal’lak.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I like how there's just enough about Tarsus IV not to spend a whole seven chapters pretending I'm Tolkien. But there's also so much that you can toy with because there's also not a lot about this colony.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jim is growing suspicious.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It was like any other meeting. He’d stand against the wall in the small room where the governor and his advisers met. They sat at their table looking over data to better inform their decisions.</p><p class="p1">Jim and two other clerks were allowed in these meetings. It was closed-door, where they spent most of their time solidifying information before holding public ones. Jim’s job was to provide cues to each person on the governor’s cabinet. This let the meeting move along smoothly and let the other clerk, Kevin Riley, take detailed minutes for the sake of preservation.</p><p class="p1">Yet Jim was also in another interesting position.</p><p class="p1">Kodos took a liking to him. At first when Winona approached the governor about bringing her son on as a clerk for the office, he was wary. He watched the boy perform his tasks, running databases and strictly sticking to and enforcing procedures. Kodos wanted the boy all to himself.</p><p class="p1">So he sent an official invitation to Jim which arrived to him at school one soggy afternoon. He was sitting at his usual lunch table with his friends when he opened the letter.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“I’d like a personal administrative assistant and I feel as though you are more than capable.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">Jim accepted only because it would mean more time away from Sam. They were in one of their fights yet again over chores. Sam never wanted to do them despite being the only one who was regularly home. Sam claimed Jim was trying to be better than everyone. When his brother started calling him ‘James,’ he refused to be in the same room with him.</p><p class="p1">He was replaying their last fight in his head when he heard Thomas Leighton bring up the word “UB2365.” This was the second time he heard someone use that term. The first was in Kodos’ office, where the top agricultural scientist presented the governor with data.</p><p class="p1">Jim picked up on the slight nervousness in Leighton’s voice.</p><p class="p1">“Sir, I don’t want to alarm you I really don’t. But it could be an issue.”</p><p class="p1">The man with the red hair, red beard, and receding hair line held his hand up in the air to calm the cabinet. “We are keeping a close monitor of the situation, Mr. Leighton.”</p><p class="p1">“Starfleet is monitoring it as well. We’re tracing everything and making sure containment is swift,” Winona added.</p><p class="p1">“The problem is what will happen if it isn’t,” Leighton asked.</p><p class="p1">“Tom,” Winona softened. “I will make sure there is a plan for all the situations and outcomes we can think of, okay?”</p><p class="p1">The next week Jim kept an ear out for the word. He heard it on four other occasions. One of them involved his mother, and the other three involved Kodos. Jim had to stay impartial to the whole situation, but he was curious.</p><p class="p1">One day during lunch he found Kevin who was chatting with his friends. Jim approached cautiously, Kevin and Sam had the same friend group.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, you busy?”</p><p class="p1">Kevin looked around at the table he was sitting at. All his friends shrugged, but they were just slightly annoyed Jim was in their presence. Most likely because Sam was complaining about him.</p><p class="p1">“Nah, what do want?”</p><p class="p1">“I gotta talk to you about work.” Jim caught eyes with one of the kids, Eric. “In private.”</p><p class="p1">Jim and Kevin walked down to one of the labs. It was always quiet during lunch hour. He signed into one of the portals with his credentials.</p><p class="p1">“How often have you heard the word ‘UB2365’ in the past week?”</p><p class="p1">Kevin grimmaced. “Shit.”</p><p class="p1">“I take that as a lot?”</p><p class="p1">He looked around the room. “Yeah. I sat in on a few meetings, ones you weren’t there for and it’s been said a lot.”</p><p class="p1">“In what context?”</p><p class="p1">Kevin searched through the portal. He was going through all the logged minutes he entered into the database. But when he tried to find the term, nothing was showing up.</p><p class="p1">“What the? I made notes about it. I did. I remember because I kept having to copy and paste the stupid term cause I didn’t want to get the numbers wrong.” He scrolled through his notes again. “They should be here.”</p><p class="p1">Jim frowned. Now he was really curious and a bit worried. “It’s okay. I trust you not to lie. Seriously though, what context? All I heard was the term and then I heard my mom saying something about the Northwest Corridor. But I don’t know what that means.”</p><p class="p1">“I remember them saying something about a pocket? An outbreak. A small issue in the Northwest.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay, that makes more sense since they were using words like ‘containment’ and the fact that it was the agricultural team who brought it up first.”</p><p class="p1">“The agriculture team?”</p><p class="p1">Jim nodded. He pulled up the documents for the department. “I was in Kodos’ office when they were mentioning it. But it was a mention, there was nothing substantial.”</p><p class="p1">Kevin read through the list of people in the department. He recalled Leighton’s worry during the closed-door meeting the other day.</p><p class="p1">“Normally Jim, I’d wonder why you were obsessing over something stupid like this.” Kevin shook his head, “but this is weird. I’m glad I’m not the only one who picked up on it.”</p><p class="p1">“You think we should talk to Mr. Leighton?”</p><p class="p1">“And say what? We’re kids. We’re trusted to do straightforward work, not have any kind of critical thinking abilities.”</p><p class="p1">Jim sighed and thanked Kevin. He didn’t want to press any further, in fact bringing it up at school and logging into the portal was a stretch already. Jim naturally distrusted a lot of people, and Kodos gave him a nervous feeling every time he stood in the same room with him. Before he parted ways with Kevin he asked to pay close attention to anything that seemed weird.</p><hr/><p class="p1">He heard the term come up seven more times in the next two months. Always he was alone in Kodos’ office while the man was taking calls. Each time he was reassuring that every little thing was being done to quell an outbreak.</p><p class="p1">Jim was updating records and reorganizing Kodos’ database when he caught the governor go pale while on a private call. He tried not to gaze at the man, the last thing he needed was having Kodos thinking he was eavesdropping. He still couldn’t figure out why he trusted Jim in the first place.</p><p class="p1">The man hovered over Jim’s work area, he muttered under his breath, but Jim couldn’t discern a thing. He continued to work.</p><p class="p1">“Jim, I need you to create a file for me. It’s going to contain everything under the tags&lt;2365&gt;, &lt;IBGF&gt;, and &lt;Myocholo&gt;. I want you to transfer the file to a thumb drive and take it down to Mr. Carson’s lab. Understand?”</p><p class="p1">While Kodos listed the tags he opened them up in the terminal. It was all restricted based on his security clearance, but he was given the permission to move them. Jim watched Kodos pace around the room.</p><p class="p1">“You know Jim, I quite like having you here with me. I like how you don’t ask too many questions and how you know your way around the database with ease. I might have you start running more errands for me.”</p><p class="p1">Jim barely paid attention to Kodos. It was another one of his long-winded proclamations how he only wanted the best people in his inner circle. Truthfully it weirded Jim out so he always stopped listening halfway through. He nodded once in a while, trying to look engaged. This particular speech, Jim nodded and reaffirmed Kodos’ beliefs while he made a copy of the thumb drive and slipped it into his pants’ pocket.</p><p class="p1">Later that evening he locked his bedroom door. He pulled out his padd and plugged in the drive. Everything was restricted, Jim was prepared for that. He spent the entire night going through the code, releasing bits and pieces of the information over the course of twelve hours.</p><p class="p1">He let himself get four hours sleep before school. At least he had to look somewhat rested and not like he’d spent an obscene amount of time reading lines of code.</p><p class="p1">The ride to school was the worst of his day. He and Sam barely spoke anymore, but this particular morning, Jim’s curiosity got the best of him.</p><p class="p1">“Hey Sam, you have friends that live in the Northwest, right?”</p><p class="p1">Jim’s brother looked at him, wondering what prompted the question. “Yeah?”</p><p class="p1">“Have you heard any of them mention weird stuff happening?”</p><p class="p1">Sam crossed his arms. “Is this a you being weird thing or a work thing?”</p><p class="p1">Jim threw his head back. He didn’t want to have this stupid conversation again. Ever since he started working more and more for Kodos, Sam was voicing his opinions loudly about how the government wasn’t doing its job. Jim wasn’t sure if Sam was just taking an interest in politics or if it was just Sam being an asshole, and hating everything Jim did.</p><p class="p1">He was pretty sure it was his fault anyways.</p><p class="p1">“I heard shit at work and I wanna know if it’s actually happening.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh so now you care what’s happening in the real world.”</p><p class="p1">“What the fuck makes you think I don’t?”</p><p class="p1">Sam turned his head. He’d rather focus on the houses passing by.</p><p class="p1">“Jim, how about you keep your shit to yourself and I’ll keep mine.”</p><p class="p1">“What does that mean?”</p><p class="p1">“It means I don’t fucking trust you.”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t the answer Jim wanted, but it solidified his suspicions. Something was happening and it was making his brother hate his guts.</p><p class="p1">When the two got to school, there was a sign posted on the door.</p><p class="p3">
  <strong>CLOSURE</strong>
</p><p class="p3">
  <strong>Due to unforeseen circumstances, the school will be closed until further notice. All classes will be held remotely.</strong>
</p><p class="p3">
  <strong>Order issued by Intendant Orsov</strong>
</p><p class="p1">Sam scoffed. “Of fucking course, and they didn’t even tell us.”</p><p class="p1">There were a few other students that approached the door, asking and wondering why the school building was shut down without any prior notice. Moments later, everyones phones and padds went off. An alert telling them about the closure.</p><p class="p1">“Way too late, don’t you think?” Sam sneered at Jim.</p><p class="p1">He looked back at his brother and the group of students that were crowding the door. They all knew where he worked and who he worked for. Their faces filled with anger and disappointment. It was terrifying, the realization that Jim didn’t have a grasp on the world functioning around him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The worrisome thing I encountered while working the previous jobs I had was complacency. It all starts becoming a job and nothing more, despite the fact that your job has very very real consequences to the community around you. It all starts becoming a blur and if you don't check yourself regularly, your job will ruin lives because you've stopped caring and engaging the community you're working for.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first things to go in a corrupt government are the documents.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The school was closed because there weren’t any shipments of food. Jim only found that out because he ran off to an alleyway where he crouched down and read all the contents of the file that Kodos told him to make.</p><p class="p1">Kodos wanted this quiet. He wanted no one to make it an official record that there was a fungus decimating the colony’s food supply. And while Jim knew his mom was legitimately trying to do everything she could to remedy the issue, he saw Kodos refusing to do anything other than let documents show he was doing something.</p><p class="p1">Jim continued to make copies of documents. He took Kevin’s meeting minutes before he entered them into the database. Everything the two saw were copied.</p><p class="p1">“What are you planning to do with these,” Kevin asked.</p><p class="p1">They were sitting in the school library: entirely empty. The reason why the two were able to access the building was because they were deemed unable to remotely learn from home. It sucked for them both, there really wasn’t any food on the premises. And what they could bring from home was limited.</p><p class="p1">“Paper trail. I might leak some of this too.”</p><p class="p1">Jim looked up at Kevin and he returned the very serious look on Jim’s face. They knew exactly how illegal it was, but when they first started seeing the disparity between families’ rations, they couldn’t let themselves be impartial.</p><p class="p1">“I know Sam has been on the war path lately," Kevin patted Jim on the shoulder. "He’d appreciate it.”</p><p class="p1">“The thing is, I can’t let him know it’s from me.” Jim sighed. He wanted nothing more than to let his brother know he was not actively fucking people over. He wanted Sam to see the recordings he made of Kodos’ conversations. He wanted so much for his brother not to hate his existence.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’m not doing anything wrong.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’m not.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I swear.</em>
</p><p class="p1">As of late, Sam had been leading protests amongst the school-aged kids. Jim was right when he asked Sam if he had friends who lived in the Northwest. Their livelihoods were devastated. The Northwest community had hardly any food, and what was left was so contaminated with fungi it was useless. They had to pull from reserves in the South, which created another imbalance.</p><p class="p1">And what Kodos refused to confirm was that the fungus was spreading throughout the entire colony.</p><p class="p1">Kevin and Jim were returning to the capitol building when they were stopped by a small group. Of course, Sam was the one at the front.</p><p class="p1">“How much food do they have in there,” Sam snarled.</p><p class="p1">“I wouldn’t know,” Jim said. He tried keeping his voice has level as possible.</p><p class="p1">Sam stepped forward. He didn’t believe a word of Jim’s anymore. He was too silent on the issues. He was too impartial to the food shortages and the rationing. He always repeated what Kodos was saying. Sam pretty much thought Jim was brainwashed at this point.</p><p class="p1">“It’s summer. And there’s not nearly enough food for us now, what’s gonna happen in winter? There’s no farming happening at all. Yet we see all these stupid fucking cabinet members come in and out of this building without a HINT of hunger on their faces.”</p><p class="p1">All the while Sam was closing the gap between himself and Jim.</p><p class="p1">“You don’t eat at home, but do you eat while you’re here!?” Sam jabbed his finger at Jim’s chest.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Don’t touch me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Don’t fucking touch me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Stop yelling.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Please stop yelling at me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I didn’t do anything!</em>
</p><p class="p1">Jim didn’t understand it in the moment. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why this sent him into a fury of rage entangled with panic. He remembered Frank grabbing onto his wrist, blaming him for every little thing he’d done wrong.</p><p class="p1">Sam was no better than Frank.</p><p class="p1">He lunged at his brother. Tackling him and pinning him to the ground. Jim screamed and spat into Sam’s face, choking him. Sam retaliated, using all his force to pull at Jim’s hair and trying to roll onto his side to get the upper hand.</p><p class="p1">It took security to break them up. They carried Jim off into the government building where Kevin frightfully followed. Sam was sent home where he gathered up his most important belongings. He left without a word.</p><p class="p1">That was the last time Jim and Sam shared a home.</p>
<hr/><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">14:00<br/>
Internal Use Only<br/>
Do Not Forward by traditional means</p><p class="p3">I will admit I am steadily worried about the situation in our colony. The food supply is rapidly decreasing, with no security from The Federation. I am forced to take matters into my own hands here. The rationing will have to increase, but I am finding it difficult to keep 8 thousand of our colonists alive in this manner. I am asking any one of you that has the ability to secure transportation off the colony to do so. It will make my further actions much easier to enforce. I request that you keep this message secret. I do not want to alarm the colonists.</p><p class="p4">Governor Kodos</p><p class="p4"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">“My mom’s letting me send you this one last message. I got into a massive amount of trouble. I can’t go into more detail. Just know that I’m okay. I’ll see you again, I know it. I’ll message you again when I can come back. But you have to do something important for me Spock. You have to keep reading this message. Just keep reading this message. There’s a lot to a string of words and letters you know. They can infer so much! Just imagine me sitting at my desk trying really hard to compose something that’ll let you know how much I actually really truly do need you! I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”</p><p class="p1"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p1">Jim sat at the kitchen table. Winona was pacing around the room. It had been six months since Sam ran away.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know what to do with you, I really don’t.” She tried fighting back her tears. “Give it a week, give it a month, give it six fucking months and nothing has changed. Sam is still gone. You’re doing whatever the HELL—“</p><p class="p1">She saw Jim flinch when she started raising her voice. All the tension in her body left. It wasn’t Jim’s fault. It wasn’t hers.</p><p class="p1">“Jim, sweetheart. What’s been going on?”</p><p class="p1">He looked up at her. His eyes were watery.</p><p class="p1">“You don’t know? How do you not know?”</p><p class="p1">Jim got up from the table, he marched into his room. He pulled the cables from his computer, making sure there was absolutely no direct link to any outside sources. A lot of his classmates poked fun at it, but Jim found value from not having every little thing connected to a network. The Internet Of Things simply shouldn’t be a default.</p><p class="p1">Winona followed him into his room. She was barely comprehending why Jim was fumbling around so much with his electronics. She was admittedly scared at how frantic he’d become.</p><p class="p1">“Mom, Kodos is an evil, evil man. Please tell me you’re not on his side!”</p><p class="p1">“Jim?” She was confused. She kneeled next to her son. “On his side? I don’t want this colony to fail if that’s what you mean?”</p><p class="p1">“This is why Sam left.”</p><p class="p1">He pulled up a few documents. All showing Kodos’ indifference to the matter. Winona started scrolling through them. She remembered the instances where some of the issues came up, but most of the subject matter was foreign to her.</p><p class="p1">“Jim, these are official documents,” she was down right flabbergasted.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve been copying them. Kodos has them changed when they’re entered into the official database. These are the originals. This is why Sam left, mom. He left because we’re working for this guy.</p><p class="p1">He looked at her, tears streaming down his cheeks. Jim scrambled over to his backpack and grabbed his padd. He held it up to her.</p><p class="p1">“There’s new documents I pulled just today. I had to scribe these myself. Read these. And please tell me you didn’t know anything about what’s happening.”</p><p class="p1">Winona took the padd. She was first alarmed how the standard operating system wasn’t there. But considering Jim was using it for very treasonable offenses, it made sense to have just the shell of the technology with him.</p><p class="p2">***</p><p class="p2">15:23<br/>
For Internal Use Only<br/>
Do Not Forward by traditional means</p><p class="p3">Members, as you know we are in a difficult situation that is steadily deteriorating. Protests continue to grow outside government facilities. It is putting us at risk and in a predicament since one of the leaders seems to be our Starfleet adviser’s son. While I do not have any issues with Commander Kirk and her two children, I would like each of you to use your discretion while around her. These particular messages only go so far through the inner circle, do not let them leave it! And please spare Jim. He is doing incredible work for me which means he’s doing incredible work for all of you.</p><p class="p4">Governor Kodos</p><p class="p4">***</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">“There’s more,” Jim spoke sullenly. “Keep reading."</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">***</p><p class="p1">17:00<br/>
For Internal Use Only<br/>
Do Not Forward by traditional means</p><p class="p3">By order of Governor Kodos on Tarsus IV, it is decreed that all members of the remaining cabinet will create databases in order to organize all colonists. Organization of colonists will be broken down into these factors:</p><p class="p3">Height</p><p class="p3">Age</p><p class="p3">Planet of Origin</p><p class="p3">Occupation</p><p class="p3">Comorbidity</p><p class="p3">These will be broken down further for future use. Please get this done as soon as possible, it will greatly preserve Tarsus IV.</p><p class="p4">Administrative Assistant to the Governor</p><p class="p4">James T. Kirk</p><p class="p4">***</p><p class="p5">18:15<br/>
For Internal Use Only<br/>
Do Not Forward by traditional means</p><p class="p3">The Federation and Starfleet have been appraised of the situation yet due to circumstances involving crises around the sector, their help will either be late or not arrive at all! This is why we became colonists in the first place, right? To find our own way! While I am personally grateful for The Federation I am also becoming very very angry with them at the lack of response. But maybe their irresponsibility will help me out with my endeavors here. I will keep you posted.</p><p class="p4">Governor Kodos</p><p class="p4">***</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">Memo: 18:43 <br/>
Data collection</p><p class="p1">Most of the data that’s been collected suits my original plan. Only those that can already survive this tragedy will continue to live. It is a hard decision, but those that are deemed “at risk” will have to be killed. It is the only way to keep the worthy survivors eating until help arrives!</p><p class="p4">Kodos</p><p class="p4">***</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">Memo: 22:37 <br/>
Samples</p><p class="p3">I will forward the lists to the neighborhood leaders. They will gather sample groups later on this week to test out the anti-matter chamber.</p><p class="p4">Kodos</p><p class="p4">***</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Mom, you gotta leave. You gotta leave right now. He’s gonna kill you, he’s gonna kill Sam if he finds him. He’s gonna kill everyone that’s affiliated with Starfleet. And if you don’t get killed what if they put you up on charges?”</p><p class="p1">Winona dropped the padd to the floor. Her thoughts were racing where she couldn’t form any coherent sentences. She kept going back to one thought, and that was how the last time she didn’t listen to her son, it ended in hell.</p><p class="p1">“Jim. Does anyone else know about this?”</p><p class="p1">“I sent the very first file I copied about the fungus to Spock. It was encrypted. I know for a fact he forwarded the file to his dad. I don’t doubt for a second it’s the only reason why The Federation even knew about this. Kodos wanted all of this secret. That’s why he’s changing documents. That’s why he’s making it look like he’s in a tough position.”</p><p class="p1">Jim brought his knees to his chest. “Mom, I read about this stuff happening on Earth in the past. It’s happening here. Today was the first I ever saw of this anti-matter chamber language. I have to leak this out. There’s a reason why there’s protests and rioting. Kevin and I have been leaking clips of documents to the right people. We have to leak this too. But you gotta leave. You gotta hide. Get off the planet! Go back home to Iowa!”</p><p class="p1">Winona wrapped her arms around her son, trying to shield him from the pain of the universe he was carrying on his shoulders.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not leaving you. Oh god, Jim. I am not going to leave you.”</p><p class="p1">“You have to. He hates you. He likes me. I can at least pretend. You can’t.”</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t dismiss her son anymore. Winona did in fact have to face it that at a mere 13, Jim had to grow up faster than his peers. She saw it in Sam, she saw it in Jim. They were old souls, wanting to make all the wrongs in the universe right.</p><p class="p1">“Jim, I’m your mother. I can’t—abandon—you.” She pulled away locking eyes with his. “That’s what I’d be doing. I’d be abandoning you, when you of all people need the most protection!”</p><p class="p1">“Protection from what? I am the least suspecting person of all in that stupid building. Kevin said it months ago. We’re just kids. No one thinks we’re smart enough. So they brush it off. Well guess what, we’re not brushing it off. I mean it mom, you gotta leave. You gotta get the hell out before he corrals you! Please, I’m begging you! I have a place to live, there’s water, and there’s no food so you can’t even worry about my starving cause we’re already hun-”</p><p class="p1">“James!” She held his head and kissed him. “Jim please. Please stop. For the love of god, please stop.”</p><p class="p1">As many times as she’s explained it to him, Jim wouldn’t come close to understanding how horrifying it was for yet another person in her family to tell her to leave. She feared she’d never see her children again.</p><p class="p1">So on Jim’s thirteenth birthday (he didn’t even realize), him and his mother went on a long hike. It was all for show, all in order to make it seem like they were just spending quality time together. If anyone saw Jim return without Winona, they’d question it. But they’d no doubt still believe the young boy held allegiance to Kodos and got rid of her for good.</p><p class="p1">He gripped onto his backpack, hoping the next time he saw his mom was at a dinner table. A large feast spread out. Him and Sam sharing stories about school again.</p><p class="p1">Jim wanted to go back home to Earth and stay there for the rest of his life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I remember being flat out ignored because I was considered too young to be discussing the issues about Afghanistan and Iraq. I remember being the ripe old age of 11 voicing how atrocious it was for our government to act the way it did. Then a few years later still being vocal and crying as civilians were being bombed for no real reason. </p><p>I don't know how this became a "listen to your fucking children they aren't dumb" fic, but here we are. Maybe it's because no one in my life really gave a shit about hearing me speak.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>And then there was nothing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Kevin used his sources to spread the word about the chamber’s existence. Jim connected with Leighton, after a long discussion between the two boys. They needed an adult. If anything Leighton could give them a better perspective and fresh ideas.</p><p class="p1">Leighton brought up chaos.</p><p class="p1">“If we can incite more riots across all age groups and spread rumors, Kodos will definitely have to speak up. He may not like being out in the public view, but it would force him to.”</p><p class="p1">“He’d focus less on his master plan,” Kevin agreed. “It’s frustrating though. All of this rebellion is just that. None of the older adults are taking this seriously.”</p><p class="p1">“They think it’s a huge mistake. And maybe it was at first, but…” Jim looked up at Leighton. “He didn’t even want to listen to you.”</p><p class="p1">“I tried. And I’m still trying to get him to listen to me.” Leighton smiled, he wanted to reassure the two boys that he was on their side. “Let me try and get a handle on the people closer to my age. You kids keep causing ruckus.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">Jim sat at his usual spot in Kodos’ office. He was slowly becoming more erratic by the day. His first test of the anti-matter chamber went well. “Fabulously” was the word he used. When Jim wrote it down he felt disgusted. 100 people. 100 people suddenly gone.</p><p class="p1">Kodos was dictating another a communication. Jim would scribe, refine the message, and carry it across town to one of Kodos’ cabinet members. The governor just decided it was better for the government to be split across the colony, all to make sure there were eyes and ears everywhere.</p><p class="p1">There came a knock at the door. Kodos growled, “I said no disruptions!”</p><p class="p1">He twisted his head to Jim, who silently shook in his seat. He did take all the precautions to let everyone in the building know that Kodos was not to be disturbed.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, sir. I followed proper protocol.” Jim got up from his desk. He opened the door where a young man came barging in.</p><p class="p1">This young man was deemed as Winona’s replacement. He kept track of Starfleet and The Federation’s movements. This movement must have been important to disregard any command Kodos gave.</p><p class="p1">“Governor, Starfleet has been hailing us. They’re arriving earlier than they projected. They’ll be here by morning.”</p><p class="p1">Jim panicked. He became very good at panicking while showing absolutely nothing on the outside. He was screaming, and shouting. His thoughts swirled.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Kodos is going to do something drastic.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“KIRK!” Kodos snarled. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. He started scrawling. “You will take this message over the bridge to the building with 43 over the door. Do you understand?”</p><p class="p1">“Yes sir.”</p><p class="p1">He thrust the folded up paper into Jim’s hands. “You’re such a wonderful boy, Jim. I’m grateful you’re on my team.”</p><p class="p1">It sickened Jim hearing that sentence. He wasn’t on the team, he wasn’t on his side. He was merely there to get information and make sure Kodos couldn’t get away with the lives he already murdered. He wasn’t with him and he never would be.</p><p class="p1">Jim was on the bridge when he hurriedly opened the note:</p><p class="p1">
  <strong> <em>“Happens tonight. Do not worry about further testing. We don’t have time. Round up the protestors first. Use the ships.”</em> </strong>
</p><p class="p1">He clenched his teeth. “I gotta find Sam.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">The leaflets started falling at 18:00. Each drop strategically placed. Jim read about this tactic too. He refused to acknowledge the early warning system, continuing to try and find his brother. All he knew was that they were all located somewhere in the Southwest. Somewhere in the industrial sites, they were hidingand planning more retaliation.</p><p class="p1">“You best clear out, didn’t you hear? There’s people trying to destroy our community!”</p><p class="p1">Jim brushed off the older man’s shouting. He was more curious about the neighborhood he was in. Buildings had boarded up windows and it looked like there weren’t many people in them. Jim kneeled down on the sidewalk. He wanted to keep running, searching for his brother but the pain in his abdomen grew. The last substantial thing he ate was five days ago. He’d been getting by on scraps mostly, refusing to eat larger “meals” while working.</p><p class="p1">He picked up one of the leaflets and shoved it into his pants pocket. Just another piece of evidence.</p><p class="p1">The sun was starting to set. Tarsus IV had long beautiful sunsets. The skies would light up in the most brilliant colors due to the planet’s outermost part of the atmosphere. Jim watched the sky as it was a deliciously sweet yellow-orange.</p><p class="p1">He could go for a glass of orange juice right about now.</p><p class="p1">“Sam,” he started yelling. Jim decided to chance it. After the disappearance of his mother, everyone in Kodos’ inner circle would just think he was trying to personally go after his brother as well.</p><p class="p1">The leaflets fell like snow. The hum from the air reminded him of the stock yards they’d all sneak off to after school in Iowa. Jim wished he were back there, playing a game of hide and seek with his brother. He called out again, running down the streets.</p><p class="p1">Jim dove to the ground covering his head as an explosion rocked the neighborhood. He expected something this drastic, but utilizing their very limited self defense mechanisms against Kodos’ own colony was so far out of Jim’s scope of authoritarianism he didn’t think about it. Jim shook, nearly fighting the person who grabbed him and put him on his feet.</p><p class="p1">It was a security officer. Jim vaguely remembered seeing him around here and there while running memos across the colony.</p><p class="p1">“Mister Kirk! We need to evacuate the area.” He pulled Jim along.</p><p class="p1">“What’s happening?”</p><p class="p1">“We’re being attacked. I’m here to do a last sweep. I thought we got everyone, what are you doing down here?”</p><p class="p1">Jim shook his head. The explosion still rang in his ears. He wondered if this security officer believed what he was saying. Did he know that this attack was staged? Or did he really believe an outside force was upset they took possession of Tarsus IV without properly contacting the right people?</p><p class="p1">The security officer lead him down a cellar, into the network of tunnels underneath the city. The idea behind them were to serve not only as a sewage system, but as shelters if an attack really truly did happen. Jim realized just how much Kodos was deceiving the colonists.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sure Kodos will want to know you’re safe,” the security officer pulled him along. “He’s with a few others in his cabinet in a separate bunker. We’ll go there.”</p><p class="p1">All this time Jim wondered where this anti-matter chamber was. He never saw any documents or sat in on any conversations that discussed the matter. But as he was being pulled along, Jim panicked.</p><p class="p1">Winding through dimly lit corridors, Jim found himself in the midst of those dreadfully long chapters in “Les Miserables.” The cracks in the walls, the slight dampness in the air, the rank smell. He wanted so much to break free and run back to the surface.</p><p class="p1">They ran into a group of people marching down one of the tunnels to meet up with other evacuees. Jim happened to look up at the right time. Sam was walking alongside a group of their classmates, a torch lit.</p><p class="p1">“Sam!,” Jim screamed. “SAM!”</p><p class="p1">He tried breaking away from the security officer who firmly held his wrist. He pulled the man along, trying to get closer to his brother.</p><p class="p1">“We’re not headed that way, Mr. Kirk!”</p><p class="p1">Jim grunted. “SAM! Get out! Get out! It’s a trap!”</p><p class="p1">Sam turned around. He watched his brother was struggling against with the security officer. The man trying to clasp his mouth shut. Jim’s struggling caught the attention of the group, mostly they didn’t care. Just another government pawn. Why should they listen to him?</p><p class="p1">Jim bit the fingers of the officer, trying for one last chance to reach his brother. “Sam! They’re rounding you up! They’re going to kill you! They’re killing you!”</p><p class="p1">Sam didn’t want to believe Jim. He read the documents, all Jim’s writing. He was part of the propaganda machine, not worthy of being listened to. Sam muttered something to a friend of his. The group continued on, while Sam stood still.</p><p class="p1">It was like watching his brother struggling against Frank all over again. Screaming and crying, trying to run away. Cheeks sticky with tears. Skin blotchy red. Bruises. The utter terror in his voice.</p><p class="p1">“Kodos is going to murder every single one of you!”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“I didn’t do anything! I swear! I didn’t! I didn’t mean to! I promise I’ll fix it! Let me go please let me go!”</em>
</p><p class="p1">“You gotta escape Sam!”</p><p class="p1">The officer got the upper hand over Jim. He dragged Jim along, despite all the kicking and incoherent screaming.</p><hr/><p class="p1">Kodos slapped Jim across the face.</p><p class="p1">“I was starting to suspect something about you,” he sneered.</p><p class="p1">They tied him to a chair. A small room, a bright light, a large window before him. The window was a late addition to this room, originally intended to let the foreman watch over the tunnels not only from a computer screen, but also to observe the large central area where they all lead. Jim looked out that window. There were men, women and children all thinking they were seeking shelter from a bombing above ground.</p><p class="p1">Jim cried.</p><p class="p1">Kevin stood silently in the corner. He wondered too if Kodos had his suspicions. Leighton stood next to him, the tears were gathering in his eyes watching this young child getting slapped.</p><p class="p1">“I put so much trust into you,” Kodos growled. “And for what? For you to commit treason? I gave you food when there was none left. I gave you shelter when I could have taken it away when your mother disappeared. In fact, do you know what actually DID happen to her?”</p><p class="p1">Jim shook his head. He refused to speak.</p><p class="p1">“It doesn’t matter,” he spat. “I’ll be completely fine knowing you’ll live the rest of your life knowing you helped kill your own family. Seems as though that’s the destiny you’re supposed to have.”</p><p class="p1">Kodos walked to the back of the room where one of his technicians stood at the control panel. Ten people were here. Only these ten would know. And what they were about to witness would keep them quiet for years to come.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sure there’s better ways to have handled this. But alas, I had to make the tough decisions. I want Tarsus IV to thrive! I don’t want us to be a mere colony! I want this planet to become a real powerhouse in The Federation, its own race. We’re Tarsians. Proud ones too!”</p><p class="p1">He laughed. “Flip it.”</p><p class="p1">The technician flipped the main control and brought the console on line. He punched a few buttons and flipped the main safety switch.</p><p class="p1">Kodos kneeled down next to Jim. He grabbed his head, his fingers wrapping around Jim’s skull. He made sure Jim couldn’t turn away. “Your brother, the little rat, is in there. Your friends. Everyone you ever cared about.”</p><p class="p1">There was a low hum, a deep subtle vibration. It felt like an earthquake, quietly stirring away miles underground. At first there were gasps. Something felt off. The colonists could feel it.</p><p class="p1">Then came the screaming.</p><p class="p1">Jim thought an anti-matter chamber would incinerate them in seconds. He wished he was right. There was clamoring in the chamber. Hair disintegrated. Clothing fell to the ground in scraps. Skin slowly ripped away from the muscles, like latex being stretched past its ability. He saw eye balls explode. He saw teeth crumple into dust.</p><p class="p1">And when Jim thought there would be a bloody mess on the ground, there was nothing. There was absolutely no trace that anyone was ever in those tunnels.</p><p class="p1">The screams, however, kept echoing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Interregnum (2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>23:03<br/>Room 4: "Debriefing"</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>Starfleet showed up two hours later. My mom was the one who told them everything. Kodos tried to make me think they found her and killed her. I know it wasn’t true. So when they arrived they were ready to find Kodos. They didn’t. They just found the burning body of the technician that powered up the chamber.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>You didn’t say anything?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>I didn’t say much in the months after what happened.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Did you want to say something?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>I wanted to scream. Of course I wanted to say something. I felt guilty. Maybe if I did more, or did what Sam—my brother fought for them because he didn’t fight for me. M-my brother was so much braver than me. I should have done what he did. I should have.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>You two had your different ways of dealing with the issues. Neither of them were wrong. You got Starfleet to stop looking the other way. Sam put pressure on the government. Both of you had good intentions.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>I feel like I took the easy way.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Committing treason and risking your own life in the ways you did was not easy. What you and Kevin did was brave.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>Four thousand people died. On my watch.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>You were a child. They were not on your watch. Remember what we talked about? Staying away from the “what if’s?”</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>They’re not helpful. They’ll only make me feel worse. That’s what the Vulcans told me too. Sometimes it’s hard. It really does make me feel worse. And then some days it seems like that line of thinking makes me a better captain.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>That’s dangerous.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>Maybe so. But it forces me to fight for the best possible outcome.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Do you think you’d be a good captain if you never went to Tarsus IV?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>Honestly, I don’t think I’d be in Starfleet if I didn’t go to Tarsus IV. While I saw what they did for me and Sam after what happened with Frank, it wasn’t until the aftermath that I really saw the kind of good they were capable of. What their mission was. My mom would spout it all the time, but sometimes when your mom preaches over and over again you just tune it out.</p><p class="p1">They fed me. They let me go back to my house to get my belongings. I didn’t want to stay on Tarsus. So they hauled away my computer for evidence. I got my own room on the starship that arrived. I hoped my mom was there. I hoped Sam was there too. But no one was there. Right then I was just a victim. I was a survivor. But I remembered this one word: Asylum.</p><p class="p1">I asked for asylum on Vulcan.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>To seek refuge with Spock?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>If I couldn’t have my family, he was the next best thing. Actually one of the counselors on board the ship thought it would be a good idea to see a Vulcan healer. I guess I spent the better part of a fucking month in shock.</p><p class="p1">It took me fucking years to remember what happened in the months right after I was rescued.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Did the Vulcan healing techniques help at all?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>If they fully helped, I wouldn’t be here. We’re human. Repression is not the healthiest thing for us, is it?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>No. It’s definitely not. I’m actually surprised you finally opened up about Tarsus.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>First for everything, I guess.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><span class="Apple-converted-space"> <br/></span>It’s interesting. You’ve been to Vulcan. Officially your record states you’ve never been there.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>That’s because the files and records of the early days of Tarsus IV have been sealed. The Federation still wants the planet in its territory, but you know the whole genocide thing kinda hurts tourism. So everything got sealed. They changed Tarsus’ purpose.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>How do you feel about it becoming a tourist destination?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>I’m mixed. Almost feels insulting to the people who died there. But then again I dunno if it would feel right to continue “as is.”</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Have you thought about visiting?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>The Enterprise was in its vicinity once. Starfleet sent a message, relaying that The Enterprise was overdue for shore leave. Tarsus IV was a perfect option, according to them. I remember sitting in my quarters later that night replaying that message. I don’t…I don’t really drink to get drunk anymore to ease the pain, but that night I broke out a bottle of brandy and went through the whole thing. I drank myself sick cause I couldn’t cope with making the decision to send my crew to a place that held so much horror for me.</p><p class="p1">There was only one other person on that ship who knew what it really meant to me. And at that point I hated him. I hated him so fucking much.</p><p class="p1">I was alone in my own thoughts. Alone in my room. I approved the shore leave. I made every excuse not to go down there. And while Bones pushed back, Spock pushed him. I spent all week in one of the cargo bays, I turned off the gravity. I drank.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>Did Spock do anything to console you? Whether that be personally or in his capacity as first officer?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>The memory is a bit hazy. I remember him trying to talk to me. It was late. I was grabbing food. He talks to me like it’s fucking nothing. I just wanted to hit him.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>What made you so mad at him?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>He broke my heart. I don’t hate him anymore. I get it. I get he had to do what he had to do. But I am so fucking mad at him. He breaks my heart nearly every fucking day, and it hurts because I’m stuck with him.</p><p class="p1">To this very day, this very minute…I love him. I go through my own personal hell. He goes through his. I love him so much. He knows it too.</p><p class="p1">He breaks my heart. He breaks it every day. Every fucking day.</p><p class="p1">I’m mad at him. He’s mad at me, even though he’ll fucking die before he admits he has a god damn emotion. We have this weird friendship. Always strained, because we know exactly what it should be.</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>And what should it be?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>He should be holding me in his arms. No one else. I should sneak off to his quarters. Not Nyota…not—</p><p class="p1"><strong>Gorgolo:<br/></strong>You’re jealous?</p><p class="p1"><strong>Kirk:<br/></strong>Jealously doesn’t even come close. It’s heartache. He said it himself. Love at first sight! Love at first fucking sight and I can’t have it!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It is so weird writing Kirk saying he hates Spock. My head is like "no they love each other always no matter what." But this one we're exploring, you know, confusing emotions.</p><p>Emotions are dumb.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Touch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jim gets acquainted with mind melds.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Spock truly hated not knowing what was happening to Jim. When he received the message on his padd he did actually worry about his friend. So much so, he had to confide in his mother.</p><p class="p1">He did as Jim suspected. He reread the message and realized there was something more. And that something more set off a series of events that lead The Federation to investigate Kodos.</p><p class="p1">Spock stood in the great hall that housed many of Vulcan’s greatest minds. After the horror of Tarsus IV, a few of the citizens relocated there temporarily. The Vulcans were willing to help mend a few broken minds and spirits. It was one citizen in particular that Spock wanted to know about, and he pestered his father relentlessly. Sarek finally gave up and revealed that his friend would be traveling to the planet.</p><p class="p1">He made a perfectly good logical reason for Jim to stay at their home.</p><p class="p1">Sarek relented, concluding that Jim was indeed worthy enough to stay as an honored guest. He could respect a human that helped get the Tarsus situation on the rest of The Federation’s radar.</p><p class="p1">The Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back. He wore a traditional black robe as a sign of respect to the healers. While he stood stoney-faced, Spock worried. He didn’t know every single detail. All he knew was the starvation.</p><p class="p1">Jim emerged from a room down the hall. He was accompanied by two elders.</p><p class="p1">Spock bowed low. He locked eyes with Jim who averted almost immediately.</p><p class="p1">The elder, T’vel, caught the small interaction between the two. She was wise beyond her years, seeing many Vulcans hide their truest primal emotions. But they still existed, and she could still see the flash of shock in Spock’s face.</p><p class="p1">“Every day, he will need to return. Every night I request you and your family to help reintegrate him into a functional household.” She glanced at Jim. “As his being human, I believe your mother, youngling, will be of much use in this young one’s recovery.”</p><p class="p1">T’vel nodded her head. “I do also believe your companionship is more than necessary to help him.”</p><p class="p1">The elders left them alone. Spock quietly grabbed Jim’s hand. He lightly brushed the cold fingers. “We will go home. My mother is surely making you something to eat. My father is arranging rooms for you.”</p><p class="p1">Jim looked at Spock. It had been so long since he saw him, so long since they last touched. It lasted only a minute, but Jim felt at peace. “I thought I’d never see you again.”</p><p class="p1">His voice was so weak. Weeks since he last spoke. Even though it was wildly inappropriate, Spock gently kissed him. “You’ll be safe here. I am grateful you sought me and my family for help.”</p><p class="p1">The wind was warm and dry. Much like the late summers in Iowa. Jim didn’t mind the intense heat, he preferred it over the humidity. The two walked slowly back to Spock’s home. Not much was said.</p><p class="p1">“You’re half human?”</p><p class="p1">Spock nodded. “I am fairly certain my mother will not restrain herself in front of you.”</p><p class="p1">Amanda didn’t show any restraint. She immediately lead Jim to the dining room, almost like she was shielding him from any little thing that could hurt him.</p><p class="p1">“Spock, please take his things to his room. We’ll be sitting down to dinner shortly.”</p><p class="p1">Amanda sat Jim down at the table. She pulled out a letter and placed it before him.</p><p class="p1">“I was told about what happened,” she smiled sadly. “And to find out it was the same boy my son made friends with all those years ago. If you need anything from me, please do not hesitate to ask.”</p><p class="p1">She pointed to the letter. “It’s from your mom. She had it sent when Starfleet let her know about your relocation. We talked a few days ago. She’s so proud of you.”</p><p class="p1">He opened the letter. In a predominately paperless society it was rare to hold something hand written. But Winona always reserved a pen and paper for people who deserved it the most. She made birthday cards by hand, she eloquently wrote in the most beautiful print, illustrating the thought and care she has not only for her words and presentation, but for the receiver.</p><p class="p1">The off-white card stock was carefully creased in a trifold. None of the creases touched the words. Jim was always fond of his mom’s attention to small details like that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Jim,</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>How do I put into words what I am feeling at this very moment? I thought I’d never hear about you again. I thought I’d lost you to the perils of the frontier. When I was told what you did and how they found you, I cried. I cried hard for a straight week.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I will never understand what you went through, but I will always be here for you. When you’re ready, I will be waiting for you back home. I love you so much my sweet darling boy. Take as long as you need. You put your trust in this family. I will trust them as well.</em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>Mom</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jim pictured his mother sitting at the kitchen table crying like so many other nights when she thought everyone was asleep. The letter left a hole in his body. He felt like an empty shell. All the color left his face, which forced Amanda to rush around the table.</p><p class="p1">She carefully placed a hand on his shoulder, scared to make any other form of contact with the boy. Amanda had seen her share of kids with panic attacks before, and just like those former students of hers, she took it slow. A good sign that he didn’t flinch.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll bring out some water. And I’m sure supper is ready.” She nodded. “Are you okay to be alone for a moment, or would you like me to call for Spock?”</p><p class="p1">“No need, mother.” Spock took a seat next to Jim. “Retrieve dinner and I will provide company.”</p><p class="p1">Amanda carried on the conversation without calling to attention the dead look in Jim’s eyes. He plastered them to the letter that lay on the table.</p><p class="p1">“I hope you like what we made for you. I know it sounds boring and plain but it’s the same foods Vulcans eat after coming out of a long fast. Nutrient dense and not too hard on the body.”</p><p class="p1">Jim shuddered.</p><p class="p1">Spock carefully folded the letter back up and put it in its envelope. He secured it in the inside pocket of his robe. “Jim?”</p><p class="p1">“I dunno if my brother is alive or dead.”</p><p class="p1">Those were the last words Jim spoke that week.</p><hr/><p class="p1">“I’ve decided there is one thing I don’t like about Vulcan.”</p><p class="p1">Jim’s declaration surprised Spock. They’d been lying out underneath a few trees for a couple of hours. Jim needed to decompress from his morning session, so he suggested that he and Spock spend the day outside of the house.</p><p class="p1">“And what is it that you do not like about it?”</p><p class="p1">“There’s no moon.”</p><p class="p1">He said it so plainly and matter-of-factly that it forced Spock to sit up and fully gaze at the human lying next to him. Freckles spread across his cheeks, his eyes were almost glowing. His smile was brilliant.</p><p class="p1">“You do not like the fact that Vulcan has no moon?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, where’s Vulcan’s protector? Where’s the heavenly body that watches over this planet?”</p><p class="p1">“Jim, it is a rock orbiting a star in space. There’s no-“ Spock caught himself. “Earth’s moon is its protector.”</p><p class="p1">He nodded. “Much like how you’re mine.”</p><p class="p1">Jim sat up. Their faces so close, their noses almost touching. Spock inched his hand closer to Jim’s.</p><p class="p1">“Spock, I’ve been meaning to ask. Can you do that mind meld thing too? Or is it only like, the Elder Vulcans or something.”</p><p class="p1">Spock was beginning to wonder this himself. Considering he was half human, he wondered if a lot of the telepathic abilities Vulcans had were his abilities too. He’d been told a lot in his young life, that he wouldn’t be able to do this or that, but he was one of a kind. It was illogical for anyone to tell him he couldn’t, when he hadn’t tried.</p><p class="p1">“I truly don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">“You wanna find out?”</p><p class="p1">He blushed. Spock wasn’t sure if Jim knew how much of an intimate gesture this was. He was seeing healers, Spock was simply Spock.</p><p class="p1">Jim chuckled. “What? You’re blushing.”</p><p class="p1">“I—I suppose I am.”</p><p class="p1">“I mean if you don’t wanna find out…”</p><p class="p1">“I would like to find out, but I am curious as to how well you understand the meaning behind this. Mind melds, whether it’s used for healing or not, are very private.”</p><p class="p1">“Kinda like when you brushed my fingers when we kissed.” Jim continued to smile. “I’m okay with being your first.”</p><p class="p1">Spock started coughing. What a sentence to hear while choking on his own spit. “Jim!”</p><p class="p1">The earnestness in Jim’s eyes convinced Spock that it wasn’t a joke. Jim was being absolutely serious. Spock held up his hand, his fingers hovering close to Jim’s face. Of all the small emotions Spock still fleetingly had, terror was one he wished he avoided the most.</p><p class="p1">“I’m also happy with just another kiss,” Jim smiled.</p><p class="p1">His voice so soft, so genuine. That smile of his, so delicate.</p><p class="p1">Spock pressed his lips against Jim’s, avoiding the split second thought that he needed to tell Jim to hydrate better. His fingers pressed against the human’s psi points. When he broke his lips away he brought his forehead to Jim’s. His breath hitched.</p><p class="p1">“My mind to your mind.”</p><p class="p1">“My mind to your mind.”</p><p class="p1">“My thoughts to your thoughts.”</p><p class="p1">“My thoughts to your thoughts.”</p><p class="p1">They continued this until it turned into a trance. Jim was accustomed to well trained Vulcans who could capture his mind in mere seconds. But he never wanted to see those thoughts. When he first learned about the meld, all he wanted was to see Spock, for all that he was.</p><p class="p1">Spock focused all he could into reaching Jim’s mind. Yet the thoughts and insecurities were choking the life from his efforts. Everything was against him. He was half human. Jim was human. They were still so young. Spock’s mind wasn’t trained. Jim was significantly traumatized. He pushed those thoughts out.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>No. I want this. I want to be able to meld. I want to see Jim. I want to see his mind. I want to know just how much he’s been through. I want to help him.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Focus.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Focus!</em>
</p><p class="p1">The farthest tangents of Jim’s mind reached out to Spock’s. It was brutally slow, but it was contact. Like vines scaling up a brick wall, Spock managed to latch onto a willing mind, despite how damaged it was.</p><p class="p1">“You did it!”</p><p class="p1">“Indeed,” Spock inhaled. There wasn’t much around them. Just black and their stream of consciousness. He was a little disappointed that this was all he could achieve.</p><p class="p1">“Spock, don’t worry. It’s your first time!”</p><p class="p1">He wasn’t prepared for Jim to know exactly what he was thinking either.</p><p class="p1">“Forgive me. This is—“</p><p class="p1">“Exhausting? Yeah. I get tired too. Why do you think I fall asleep so early in the evenings?”</p><p class="p1">“You’ll be okay?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m okay. You’re warm. Vulcans get such a bad reputation for being cold. You’re warm and gentle. I like what I’m feeling.”</p><p class="p1">“I feel rather comforted by your presence as well. It’s fragmented, but you’re there.”</p><p class="p1">“Fragmented is what T’vel says about me too. Something to do with hiding memories and locking them away in a box.”</p><p class="p1">“A box of which you can’t control when it opens.”</p><p class="p1">“For your first time, you’re really good at this Spock.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">T’vel noticed when Spock dropped Jim off for his morning healing session. T’vel could feel it coursing through her mind when she melded with the young human.</p><p class="p1">Her melds were dream-like. She placed them both in Jim’s most comforting environments. They existed as they did in the living world: corporeal beings.</p><p class="p1">“I see you’ve engaged in another mind meld.”</p><p class="p1">Jim panicked.</p><p class="p1">“Young one, it is alright to meld when the consent has been made. You’ve done nothing wrong.”</p><p class="p1">“Are you sure?”</p><p class="p1">“When I first melded with you, I saw the memories you held closest to your heart. A small memory of a young boy who had his very first kiss that meant the entire universe to him. Youngling, there is nothing wrong with wanting to touch minds with your t’hy’la.”</p><p class="p1">“How come there isn’t a translation for that word? T’hy’la? What is that?”</p><p class="p1">T’vel reached deep into Jim’s mind. She pulled all the memories he had with Spock. “Love at first sight. You’ve found your soul mate, Jim. And to yearn for that soul mate is not punishable. It is purely nature.”</p><hr/><p class="p1">Jim had stayed on Vulcan for two months. He ran his course of Vulcan healing sessions, where T’vel helped bring Jim back out from hiding. He was becoming more sociable, even asking Sarek of all people about what it was like being a planetary ambassador. Jim connected with Amanda that only another human could. And with Spock he was braver with the hand holding. He planted kisses on Spock’s cheek ever so often. He welcomed the kisses in return.</p><p class="p1">It was painful to arrange his trip back to Earth.</p><p class="p1">Spock tried to accompany Jim, but he had exams that he couldn’t push back. They were the first entry exams into the Vulcan Science Academy, ones of course Sarek would not be pleased if he missed.</p><p class="p1">They stood in a secluded space, just holding each other in their arms. Jim didn’t want to let go. He wanted the heat radiating from Spock to last forever.</p><p class="p1">“Some how we’ll meet again, right?”</p><p class="p1">Spock nodded. “If time permits.”</p><p class="p1">“I promise I won’t send you any more messages like the last one I sent. No more disappearing.”</p><p class="p1">“We will return to our weekly video chats?”</p><p class="p1">Jim smiled. “I missed those.”</p><p class="p1">Spock lingered a bit too long after the ship took off from the port. He gazed up at the sky in the direction of Earth, wondering when he’d make the trip back to that blue marble in the sky.</p><p class="p1">Sarek laid a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Spock, I need to make myself clear about your situation.”</p><p class="p1">“My situation?”</p><p class="p1">“Please terminate your romantic relationship with Jim.”</p><p class="p1">Spock twisted around, he backed away from Sarek. “Why should—“</p><p class="p1">“I suggest you calm yourself before you make yet another emotional outburst in public. I am only telling you this because I do not want you to entertain that which cannot be.”</p><p class="p1">He closed his eyes, and for once he took Sarek’s advice to heart. He gained control of his mind once more. “Father, is this something you are personally against? Or is it the will of the House of Surak?”</p><p class="p1">“It is the House’s will. You are its sole heir. The heir must be betrothed to a suitable companion. It has been this way since the creation.”</p><p class="p1">Spock walked past his father, ignoring his very existence. When he returned home, Amanda clearly saw through her son’s shield.</p><hr/><p class="p1">The crisp fresh air of an early winter’s day penetrated Jim’s lungs, filling him with the longing to get home even faster. Jim no longer had the distraction of Vulcan, of Spock’s mind brushing his own, or T’vel’s assurances. All he had was the emptiness he felt when he left Tarsus for the first time.</p><p class="p1">A Starfleet officer accompanied him on his trip back to Iowa, securing transportation and food. The officer caught him up on the global news, mostly about sports and the most popular tv shows at the moment. Jim wondered if the guy had any hobbies. He couldn’t possibly spend all his free time just mindlessly watching tv shows.</p><p class="p1">The trip itself was uneventful. Jim was sucked into his own worried thoughts. The first steps he took on Earth made him cry. When the comm announced they arrived in Iowa, he cried again.</p><p class="p1">Jim’s heart skipped when he saw the familiar house. He thought it looked more pristine than before, with fresh paint on the trimming, and an entirely new roof.</p><p class="p1">He opened the door of the car, not caring about dropping his phone out from his lap onto the dirt road. He didn’t care if he’d have to come back to unpack his bags from the trunk. Jim ran down the path in the front yard, racing to the front door.</p><p class="p1">And there it opened, where that familiar face brightened upon seeing her son for the first time in almost a year. Tears ran down her cheeks. Jim jumped into his mother’s arms, wrapping his own around her shoulders as tightly as he could.</p><p class="p1">“Mom!”</p><p class="p1">“Oh my sweet baby boy. You’re home. You’re home! You’re safe and home!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sometimes I think mind melding is cool, and then there's other times when I'm like "HOLD UP. YOURE GONNA SEE THINGS. I DUNNO MAN." and it's just so so terrifying. No wonder why they take consent so seriously. That shit is intense.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Make Your Move</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Spock and T'Pring come to an agreement. Jim is adjusting.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spock was due to meet T’Pring for the first time that day. In the following months after Jim left, he was forced to make some sort of contact with her. First it started with messages, asking simple questions: likes, dislikes, areas of study. Based on all of these inquiries he still wanted nothing to do with her. </p>
<p><br/>He stood at the entrance of the orchid garden, waiting patiently. </p>
<p><br/>The thing was, T’Pring really was aesthetically pleasing. As she approached Spock, he thought about how stoically she carried herself. She knew she came from an important house on Vulcan and showed it with her gait. Her held up high, slight confidence spilling through her own shield. </p>
<p><br/>“T’Pring,” Spock bowed.</p>
<p><br/>“Spock,” she nodded. </p>
<p><br/>They walked through the garden discussing the different variants of the flower. T’Pring was drawn to the pastel purples, while Spock drifted towards reds and pinks. Botany was not his specialty, but he did appreciate its value. </p>
<p><br/>She was an avid cultivator. </p>
<p><br/>“I am curious how you perceive our betrothal,” Spock finally asked after two hours of what he thought was mindless small talk. </p>
<p><br/>T’Pring flared her nostrils. “It is what must be.”</p>
<p><br/>“It is.”</p>
<p><br/>“However, I rather it not happen.” T’Pring waited for a response from Spock. She was waiting for an emotional response from him. When her parents told her about the match, T’Pring conducted her own research. She thought it was offensive to be matched with a half Vulcan. She thought this particular meeting would be filled with complete illogic. </p>
<p><br/>Fortunately, Spock seemed to be as Vulcan as ever. He didn’t live up to the stories she heard. Maybe he was finally incapable of emotional outbursts. <br/>“I too, believe the same.” Spock nodded. “I recognize that our marriage would cement a power structure socially and politically—“</p>
<p><br/>“Yet it is a very illogical choice.”</p>
<p><br/>“Our families want us to bond.”</p>
<p><br/>“Our minds may not be compatible.”</p>
<p><br/>“It truly would not be a rewarding relationship.”</p>
<p><br/>T’Pring ushered him to a stone bench. They sat down, and she took Spock’s hands in her own. “There is nothing here between us.”</p>
<p><br/>He shook his head. “There is not.”</p>
<p><br/>“May I see your mind? I allow you to see mine.”</p>
<p><br/>The way she initiated the meld was soft and gentle. It didn’t match the way she projected herself in public. Then again, most Vulcans’ shields were not indicative of their true personalities. T’Pring’s mind nudged Spock’s with a tenderness he’d never knew. He accepted her into his own mental world. </p>
<p><br/>“You have someone else,” she said. Remarkably, all hidden within the confines of their minds, her voice was slightly sad. </p>
<p><br/>“You as well,” Spock sighed. </p>
<p><br/>“We’re in a predicament. Neither of us want to be engaged. You—you must tell your family about him.”</p>
<p><br/>“My father is already against it.” </p>
<p><br/>T’Pring’s meld recreated the bench and the gardens they were sitting in. Spock was astounded how perfectly focused she was. He was envious, blaming his poor ability to initiate a meld on his human genes. She caught the thoughts running through his consciousness. The slightest smile appeared. </p>
<p><br/>“Spock, you are a worthy Vulcan. If I did not already have another and if you did not have a t’hy’la, I would not be disappointed with you as a husband.” She brushed her fingers against his. “It is unfortunate so many stories, so many lies about you circulate in my social groups.”</p>
<p><br/>“They do?” Spock blushed. </p>
<p><br/>“You are not inarticulate. You are not stupid. Your mind is quite brilliant.” T’Pring frowned. She let her anger show, knowing Spock gave her full permission to release all that she repressed. His being half human, it was easier for her to trust him in these things. “Racism is prevalent and overlooked. I do not know if I can continue being friends with some of these Vulcans.”</p>
<p><br/>“If that is what you feel is most logical.” Spock stared at his hands. It was awkward for him, sharing the realization that T’Pring was having. </p>
<p><br/>“I cannot tolerate such illogical behavior. Spock, I will not subject you to those who invalidate your existence. Since it is the will of our families, you will be my husband and I will be your wife. I must be your equal as you must be mine. If it should come to pass, despite either of us not wanting this, we still will owe each other this duty, correct?”</p>
<p><br/>“Yes T’Pring.” Spock squeezed her hands. “I will not fail you in my duties to our marriage. While many other couples find solidarity in love and partnership, I can find solidarity with you in teamwork.”</p>
<p><br/>She let go of Spock’s mind, bringing them both back into reality. T’Pring shared Spock’s tears. </p>
<p><br/>“Please Spock. Please talk to your father about him. He is your t’hy’la. Do not lose that bond.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>“How come we don’t see you at school anymore, dude?”</p>
<p><br/>Jim looked up from the ground. He was counting his steps. 500 to the crack in the sidewalk that resembles a city skyline. “What?”</p>
<p><br/>His friend Aaron was walking alongside. They’d always walk home after school, play some baseball with the crabapples (mostly just to see how hard a swing would take the fruit to explode on the bat), and maybe just maybe work on some homework. </p>
<p><br/>Ever since Jim came back, Aaron noticed how reclusive his friend was. </p>
<p><br/>“School? You’re like hardly ever there.”</p>
<p><br/>“Oh.” Jim shrugged. He started kicking a rock as they walked down the street. “I’m there, but they put me in different courses.”</p>
<p><br/>“What, like with the other smart kids?”</p>
<p><br/>“Yeah.” Jim blushed. “Honestly, I miss dicking around in class.”</p>
<p><br/>Aaron laughed, remembering some of the stunts Jim would pull. Half of them weren’t even outrageous either. They’d accumulate over time and finally get noticed by the teacher. Much like the time Jim kept folding the tiniest paper cranes and sticking them in random spots in 3rd period Math class. They accumulated so much, some of them started falling from the tiles in the ceiling. Others would fall out from the cabinets. It drove the teacher mad.</p>
<p><br/>“Can’t do that anymore with the smart kids huh?”</p>
<p><br/>“Heh, they actually give me work that’s hard.” Jim scratched his head. “I guess it’s fine. I’m not bored anymore.”</p>
<p><br/>His friend smiled. At least the truth was a lot better than what he’d been thinking. Aaron heard a little bit of what happened on Tarsus IV. His parents were city engineers. They helped build infrastructure and researched what a society really needed to thrive. When his parents started talking about Tarsus, he understood why when Jim came back, he didn’t want to socialize.</p>
<p><br/>It took weeks for Aaron to regain Jim’s friendship. They never really talked about it, but from time to time, Aaron had to ask. </p>
<p><br/>“You okay? Like really. No bullshit. You doing alright?”</p>
<p><br/>“Okay as I can be.” Jim sighed. “Thanks for not pushing it. I get it, everyone wants to know. But sometimes I’m just tired of talking about it.”</p>
<p><br/>“No problem, man. I just don’t want you thinking you have to be alone.”</p>
<p><br/>Jim got through the front door of his house. Lately he’d been spending his weekend nights alone. It started with a hesitant question from his mom. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“Jim, I need to talk to you about something.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“No. Not at all. I just want to ask you something.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“Oh. Yeah you can ask.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“It’s not entirely serious right now, but I just want to ask if you’d be okay if I went out on the weekends. I met someone and I enjoy spending time with them—“</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“Mom, go for it. I’ll be fine.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“You’re not lying to me?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>“Nah. You gotta hang out with friends and uh…boyfriends too.”</em>
</p>
<p><br/>Jim did what he did every Friday night when he was home alone. He made himself dinner (the whole time saying “Fuck you Frank”), and checked messages. Every week he checked to see if there was anything from Starfleet regarding his brother. Of course, there was nothing. He sighed before munching on a bite full of roasted vegetables. </p>
<p><br/>When Winona arrived home, she found Jim asleep at the dinner table. Three padds and his phone were sitting in front of him. She knew her son kept up on the aftermath of the Tarsus situation, despite advice from his therapist, herself and even Starfleet. She was worried he was becoming fixated. </p>
<p><br/>Winona carefully woke him, hoping to guide him to bed. Jim shook his head, despite yawning. </p>
<p><br/>“Sweetie, bed is far more comfortable than the chair you’re sitting on.”</p>
<p><br/>Jim sat up, he rubbed his eyes and yawned once again. “You didn’t come home at the time you normally do. So I wanted to stay up and make sure you got home safe.”</p>
<p><br/>He’d never admit it, but he was terrified. Terrified that something bad happened. Once in a while the thoughts would creep into his mind when he was alone. That something, some freak accident, would incapacitate or kill his mother. Then he’d dwell on the paperwork, the care, the fact that he’d be alone having to try to survive. The fact that he probably would have a hell of a time living without his mom reassuring him, mortified him some nights. When she didn’t show up at midnight like she normally did, the thoughts churned. </p>
<p><br/>“I’m sorry, Jim. I should have messaged you.” She nudged him once more, coaxing him out of the stiff wooden chair. “I’ll remember for next time.”</p>
<p><br/>“You better,” Jim stretched as he stood. “Cause I’m gonna have to fight your boyfriend if it happens again.”</p>
<p><br/>“Please don’t,” she laughed. “Don’t fight my boyfriend.”</p>
<p><br/>Winona walked Jim to his room. She averted her eyes while they walked by Sam’s door. The two of them never talked about it, but they both wondered. Should they enter, or should they leave the room to time and preserve it? Winona was scared to open the door, for if she did she’d have accepted that he’d never be returning. </p>
<p><br/>“What’s his name, by the way? You never talk about him.”</p>
<p><br/>He turned to her, standing in the threshold of his own room. The tiredness overwhelmed any other emotion, but she could see Jim was purely curious. </p>
<p><br/>“Dave.” Winona smiled. “How about in the morning after a good night’s sleep, I’ll tell you more about him. Sound good?”</p>
<p><br/>Jim nodded. </p>
<hr/>
<p>“This is highly unacceptable.”</p>
<p><br/>The two Vulcan parents stared at their children. This was as close to a public freakout as it got on Vulcan. T’Pring and Spock invited their fathers to lunch with them as they had important matters to discuss. The two took their devotion to each other through teamwork seriously; working together to thwart their own marriage. </p>
<p><br/>“I do not see the issue,” T’Pring stated. She stared down her father, Vorun, who was in his own Vulcan way gaping at the two.</p>
<p><br/>Sarek steepled his fingers. His gaze never left the two sugar snap peas sitting at the corner of his plate. This was definitely something Spock would do, he was half human after all, but hearing the same news from T’Pring silenced him. </p>
<p><br/>“It is logical for the two most prominent families on Vulcan to join. You T’Pring, and you, Spock must marry.”</p>
<p><br/>“Logically, sound Vorun.” Spock tilted his head, “however it is also logical to dissolve such an obligation when the two participants are unwilling to participate.”</p>
<p><br/>“And it is illogical, father, to drag unwilling participants into this situation.” T’Pring once again commanded the entire conversation. Her mere presence overshadowed everyone else and she knew it. Logically sound to take advantage. “Spock and I both are committed to others.”</p>
<p><br/>“And I told you to terminate the relationship,” Sarek finally spoke.</p>
<p><br/>“I as well,” Vorun added.</p>
<p><br/>The two adolescents stared at each other. They expected their parents to push back, the two families invested heavily in this engagement. But they were adamant and had their own plans set in place, just in case their talk at lunch didn’t work. </p>
<p><br/>“Your request, Master Sarek, is preposterous.” Sarek’s eyes widened just the slightest at T’Pring’s response. “Spock and his significant other are t’hy’la. I refuse to be part of the scheme that destroys that bond.”</p>
<p><br/>Vorun slowly turned to Spock and then to Sarek. Sarek still held his sight on the peas, and Spock was more stone-like than ever before. Some days the thought of Jim not being near him was painful. He had to build his shields even more to hide even the slightest flinch. </p>
<p><br/>“Spock, is this true?”</p>
<p><br/>He glanced up at Vorun. “They are not of Vulcan. It would not be approved regardless.”</p>
<p><br/>It was the sad truth Spock contended with. Jim was human and therefore anything involving him felt less valued. Sarek wasn’t convinced they were true t’hy’la because of Jim’s humanity. To share that bond with a human was simply unheard of. </p>
<p><br/>A month later, when Spock received the news that he was accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy, he spent very little time deciding his acceptance or rejection of the offer. He may still have been obligated to marry T’Pring, but at least he could be closer to the person he truly loved. </p>
<p><br/>At least for a time. </p>
<p><br/>He walked into the academy and faced the admissions board. If he wasn’t Vulcan he’d be smirking. This was purely out of spite. Spock didn’t have much against the science academy; he thought what they did was sound and he would have loved to be part of it. But Sarek’s refusal to hear his arguments against marriage drove Spock to a primal outrage and a logical conclusion. </p>
<p><br/>“I am appreciative of the acceptance into the academy, but I am rejecting the offer.”</p>
<p><br/>The swirls of gossip hit the streets as fast as Spock stepped foot outside the academic building. No one rejected an offer into the science academy. Spock was the first. </p>
<p><br/>When he got home later that day, he refused to speak to Sarek. He put in an application to Starfleet and made arrangements to move to Earth. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I support T'Pring not being a bad actor for once and actually giving a shit about Spock while still being a very cunning and commanding Vulcan.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. I Remember Touch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No longer a long distance relationship.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"Touch" on Random Access Memories is by far one of my favorite songs on that whole album.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winona wrung her hands, trying to focus on the cup of coffee sitting on the table and not the front window of the bakery she and Jim were sitting in. Jim watched her, feeling bad about how a simple meeting was putting her through so much turmoil. </p>
<p><br/>
“Mom, it’s fine.”</p>
<p><br/>
His voice shook her out of her trance. “Hmm?”</p>
<p><br/>
“It’s fine. I’m sure Dave is a nice guy. I’ll probably like him.”</p>
<p><br/>
“He needs to like you too.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim nodded. He grasped the ceramic cup, letting the warmth penetrate his cold fingers. “And if he doesn’t? And if I don’t?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Then it won’t go any further.” She sighed. “I hope you guys like each other. Cause I really like him and I don’t know if I could handle cutting it off.”</p>
<p><br/>
It was such a simple statement swayed by emotion. Jim wasn’t sure if a bit of T’vel rubbed off on him, but the thought there was potential she’d still pursue a relationship while neglecting his own feelings felt like betrayal. </p>
<p><br/>
Winona caught the disappointment in his eyes. </p>
<p><br/>
“Oh god, no I didn’t mean it like that.” She turned to her son, placing a hand on his knee. “If it doesn’t work out between you two, there’s nothing more to it. We’ll end it. Dave is fully aware of the conditions.”</p>
<p><br/>
“He is?”</p>
<p><br/>
“You think I’d drag him along the dirt like that? He knows you’re my top priority.”</p>
<p><br/>
She caught sight of her boyfriend entering the shop. </p>
<p><br/>
Dave was a tall man, well built since he still went out for daily runs and occasionally competed in marathons. He pulled off his sunglasses revealing hazel eyes, bright like the sun was just inching over the horizon during the morning. When he caught Winona and Jim sitting at the table his smile spread across his face grandly. </p>
<p><br/>
For Jim it was weird seeing her hug another man so amorously. He’d only ever knew her as his mother, not entirely as another person with wants and needs. It made him nervous the way Dave embraced her; gentle and caring. </p>
<p><br/>
“Jim, this is Dave.” He looked up at the older man, he gave a small wave. </p>
<p>“And Dave, this is my son, Jim.”</p>
<p>He caught Jim’s hesitation, so he didn’t force a handshake or any kind of physical touch. “I’m glad to finally meet you, Jim. Your mom talks about you all the time.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim glanced at her, “you do?” He wondered about what.</p>
<p><br/>
Winona blushed, averting her eyes. </p>
<p><br/>
“Hey, you can’t blame your mother for wanting to talk about someone she loves.” Dave squeezed her hand. “I’m gonna get some coffee, I’ll be back.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim watched as Dave meandered to the counter. He turned back to his mother who sat back down. “Well at least he doesn’t seem fake.”</p>
<p><br/>
Dave was the most genuine male authority figure Jim met in a long time. He talked about his job as a geologist for Starfleet, specializing in Vulcanology. Dave kept tabs on all of Earth’s calderas, he hiked and explored the sites, explaining in great detail how much fun it is to get to play in the dirt for his job. When Dave brought up motocross, it renewed Jim's fascination for the man. He just really liked to get dirty. </p>
<p><br/>
“Do you still race,” Jim leaned in. He was enamored with the guy who looked too much like a middle management type. </p>
<p><br/>
“I wish. Broke my back in two places. So now I ride casually.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim’s eyes slowly moved over to Winona who was dreading this talk. She had many memories of her husband speeding down dirt roads on his motorcycle, her on the back seat screaming in both terror and joy. George nearly killed himself multiple times, all because he loved the risk. And she knew Jim would be the exact way, every time she saw her son glancing at the motorcycle in the garage. </p>
<p><br/>
He knew she was gonna hate the response, but he said it anyway. “Can you teach me to ride?”</p><hr/>
<p>Spock intended for his arrival to be a surprise. He didn’t leave Vulcan on good terms with Sarek, but he reluctantly accepted the fact that his son still wanted to gain better knowledge of the universe. Amanda was heartbroken that Spock was leaving home, but she came to terms with it in her own human way; her little boy was growing up. </p>
<p><br/>
The last thing Sarek said to Spock greatly upset him, but of course he’d learn to repress the emotion. </p>
<p><br/>
<em>“You are still a representative of Vulcan. You represent my house, my ambassadorship, and T’Pring’s house. Act like it.”</em>
</p>
<p><br/>
That was four months ago. </p>
<p><br/>
Spock’s arrival let him acclimate to the planet. He was able to explore the different continents on his own terms. The seventeen year old learned a few of the planet’s old languages, and grew to enjoy taking long hikes in the Cascades. Anything that wasn’t desert, he wanted to learn about. </p>
<p><br/>
But the ocean was the most impressive thing he still experienced. </p>
<p><br/>
He took a long trip outside of San Fransisco one weekend, down highway 1 and as he sat on the beach watching the waves crash onto the shore it sparked an idea. He pulled out his phone. </p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“Jim do you know how to swim?”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>"???</strong><br/>
<strong>Yeah. Why?”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“Do you care to teach me?”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“Does Vulcan even have the ability to let you swim?”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“It doesn’t matter about Vulcan. I am about 2 thousand miles away from you.”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
It took an hour for a response from Jim. </p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“WAT</strong><br/>
<strong>WHAT</strong><br/>
<strong>SPOCK”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“I do not know if you’re still in school, but I would love if you came for a visit.”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“Summer vacation starts in two weeks.<br/>
</strong> <strong>Of course I wanna visit!</strong><br/>
<strong>I can’t believe you’re here!</strong><br/>
<strong>What happened!?”</strong></p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“I joined Starfleet.”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
<strong>“!!!!!!!!!!”</strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
Spock thoroughly enjoyed reading Jim’s responses. He hadn’t seen him so animated, even through text, in such a long time. Hopefully it was a sign that he was recovering. </p><hr/>
<p>It was the longest two weeks Jim experienced since returning from Tarsus. At first Winona was against the idea, but after a few meetings with Jim’s therapist, she agreed. Even Winona’s doctor suggested the separation for the summer out of want not need would help the two break away from associating any long term separation with what happened on that miserable planet. </p>
<p><br/>
“And mom, now you get Dave all to yourself.” It was Jim’s simple way of giving her permission to continue with her relationship. </p>
<p><br/>
He waited patiently for Spock. It was unlike him to be late, but then again Earth always seemed to make the most prompt people fall behind schedule on occasion. At this point, Jim was only worried about making this trip to California happier than the last. </p>
<p><br/>
Jim’s mind wandered. It drifted off into directions he wasn’t prepared for. Maybe Sam was alive and well. Maybe he was here, but Starfleet didn’t want to disclose that. Then again, maybe he died with all those people. Toward the end, Sam made it clear he wouldn’t mind being martyred. But then he remembered the night they talked to their mom for the first time after the issue with Frank. They were lying in their beds with the lights out, just talking. Sam admitted he didn’t deserve to be his brother. He mumbled on about running away, because he couldn’t live with the people whom he didn’t even try to defend from the abuse. </p>
<p><br/>
So maybe Sam was alive, but he didn’t want to return. </p>
<p><br/>
“T’hy’la?”</p>
<p><br/>
The familiar voice, yet a bit more deeper and mature, snapped Jim out his morose thoughts. He couldn’t help staying apart from Spock a second longer. Jim practically jumped on him, wrapping his arms tightly around the Vulcan.</p>
<p><br/>
“Spock,” his voice cracked (oh yes it had been doing that a lot lately, fucking puberty). “I can’t believe you’re here!”</p>
<p><br/>
“It is a surreal experience calling Earth home.” Spock returned the hug, squeezing Jim tightly and lifting him off his feet. </p>
<p><br/>
Everything felt completely right in this moment. Nothing that surrounded them mattered. All that Jim cared for was Spock and the fact his Vulcan was holding him while he wrapped his legs around his torso. Finally all Jim could do was pull back and brush his lips against Spock’s. It was Earth. No one cared. </p>
<p><br/>
“It is remarkable seeing how well you’re physically recovering, Jim.”</p>
<p><br/>
He nodded. “The only thing my shit for brains uncle forced me to learn that came in handy was cooking. I make all sorts of stuff. Spock I’ll make you so many good dinners and breakfasts and we can eat out for lunch. Have you explored the cuisine on Earth? There’s a lot of options that are adaptive to Vulcan diets, honestly I’m dying to know how you feel about dim sum.”</p>
<p><br/>
Spock couldn’t help it, he kissed Jim once again. “We will have plenty of chances to get me used to Earth foods. Right now, I want to take you home. Unfortunately, I cannot carry you all the way.”</p>
<p><br/>
He gently let Jim down and grasped his hand. He felt Jim relax once more and relished in the completeness he felt. It was remarkable how they only had one meld together, yet their connection felt as though they’d had many. Spock knew the term t’hy’la, and he knew how revered it was. He never thought he’d find his own or even have one. </p>
<p><br/>
It broke his heart knowing he’d have to tell Jim about his engagement to T’Pring. </p>
<p><br/>
They got settled into the apartment. From all the traveling Spock had done it was still barely touched and brand new to him as well. It was a parting gift from his mother, begrudgingly funded by Sarek. Not far from the Starfleet Academy campus, it rose above the fog every morning. Spock was enamored with the sight. </p>
<p><br/>
Their alone time here was far different than their alone time on Vulcan. Jim was still very much in the woes of his predicament, and while he wasn’t out of the darkest parts of his own inner torment, he was more physically affectionate. Grasping at Spock’s hands, leaning on him, brushing arms as they walked. Jim thrived on contact. </p>
<p><br/>
“I just really need to touch you. Maybe I’m making sure you’re real, I dunno.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim was running his hands through Spock’s hair, admiring how soft it was. It was just as perfect as his skin, without any blemishes or wrinkles and just as soft. He was lying atop, after a short discussion about how different Vulcans’ and Humans’ bone densities were. </p>
<p><br/>
“I can assure you I am very real. And you’re very real. This room we’re in is very real, the window letting in the natural light is very real.” Spock dragged his fingers along Jim’s spine. His culture deprived him of touch. It felt like he was making up for all those lost years. </p>
<p><br/>
“How come you’re so hot? And when I lie my head on your chest I don’t hear your heart?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Gravity is different on my planet. Hence the bone density. It’s also much hotter, correct?” He waited for Jim’s affirmation. “I radiate heat, to keep my core body temperature cooler than yours.”<br/>
Spock grabbed Jim’s hand and held it against his right side. “My heart is here.”</p>
<p><br/>
“And your blood is green.” Jim lifted his head. His smile was so endearing. “Your cheeks are going green, Spock. You embarrassed?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Most certainly not. I am—-flustered.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim laughed heartily. He rolled himself off the alien and stared up at the ceiling. “You know getting to do this every day for three months is not bad at all. And then visiting you on weekends? You’ll let me visit weekends right? The academy can’t keep you busy all week.”</p>
<p><br/>
The thought of coming home to Jim after a week of classes was tantalizing. He knew this was the right decision, despite of everything, despite the fact that whenever his first Pon Farr came he’d have to end it. But now was his and Jim’s time together, he wanted it to last for eternity. The feeling penetrated his soul. He knew Jim thought the same, which would make it even harder. </p><hr/>
<p>For the summer, Jim reveled in Spock’s company. He embraced San Fransisco like a second home. His heart swelled over the fact that he finally got to indulge in the relationship he’s always wanted. No long distance, no relying on video chats just to hear Spock’s voice. If Jim wanted a kiss, Spock was right there to receive one. At nights Jim was never alone. Spock lived in a two bedroom apartment, and he offered the spare room, but Jim right away shook his head. </p>
<p><br/>
“I feel so much better when you hold me. That’s okay, right?”</p>
<p><br/>
Spock couldn’t say no to that.</p>
<p><br/>
It wasn’t just the touch that Jim craved. He needed the companionship. Ever since Jim returned to Earth he felt more alone in the universe than anything. Nobody could come close to understanding the horror he witnessed. He kept Spock’s observation of his mind intact. “Fractured.” </p>
<p><br/>
He was very fractured, and Spock was able to fill those gaps.</p>
<p><br/>
There was a low rumble of thunder that crawled across the bay. Dim flickers of lightning sprawled through the clouds. At first Jim was excited for a late summer storm to roll in, but the thunder triggered a distressing memory. </p>
<p><br/>
They were about to leave the park and head for shelter, but the thunder that grumbled gripped Jim and wouldn’t let go. His knees locked up disallowing any further steps. Instead of the paved path he saw the chamber. He saw his brother in that chamber staring right at him. The low hum of the energy readying itself to incinerate every single person. </p>
<p><br/>
Jim shook his head trying to get rid of the image. He fell to the ground where he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. </p>
<p><br/>
“Stop. Please stop.” He kept repeating.</p>
<p> <br/>
Spock knelt before Jim suspecting that it was a panic attack. He remembered T’vel saying Jim could suffer from them and a myriad of other things. </p>
<p><br/>
“Do not let this young one disassociate any further.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Jim,” Spock gasped. He didn’t want to pry Jim’s hands away from his eyes. He didn’t know what touching him would do at all. “Jim, listen to me. I’m here. I’m here right in front of you!”</p>
<p><br/>
“Why do they have to die? Why?”</p>
<p><br/>
“T’hy’la!” </p>
<p><br/>
It pained Spock to see the crumpled mass in front of him. He couldn’t bear it any longer. Carefully and gently he tapped his fingers on both sides of Jim’s face. He cursed himself for not engaging more in the telepathy side of things, but this time he pleaded with himself. </p>
<p><br/>
“Jim, t’hy’la, please let me join our minds, or touch or something.” His gentle press tensed. “You and I are in the park. We’re on Earth. There’s a thunderstorm and it’s raining. I’m in front of you. We’re kneeling on the ground! And it is getting awfully wet.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim slowly dropped his hands away from his face. His eyes were red and swollen from crying. Inches away from him, Spock knelt. His eyebrows furrowed, his whole face was contorted in pain. And while he could see physically in front of him, he could feel Spock’s mind brushing against his own giving Jim reassurances that nothing was going to hurt them. No one was going to die in front of him. His brother was not going to die. </p>
<p><br/>
“It’s a storm is all. A manifestation of highs and lows that make this planet that we’re sharing all the better. Jim, you’re with me and I won’t let you go.”</p>
<p><br/>
Spock’s mind finally got the permission it needed to fully entangle with Jim’s. Their shared mind space was much different than their first time. It reflected the reality they were in, the pouring rain, the puddles, the fresh scent of wet grass. Up above the lightning struck and the thunder rumbled. But now it eased him. </p>
<p><br/>
“Spock?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Jim, you’re safe. You’re here in my mind and you’re safe.”</p>
<p><br/>
In hindsight, Spock wished he never picked up T’Pring’s skill of recreating the reality around them. Maybe if Jim hadn’t melded with an experienced healer he wouldn’t have caught on to his melds with her. </p>
<p><br/>
Later that night they were lying in bed. Jim was exhausted and much quieter than normal. He’d brush off any conversation that Spock tried to start. But as Spock started brushing his fingers against Jim’s, the human shuddered. </p>
<p><br/>
“Who’s T’Pring?”</p>
<p><br/>
Spock froze.</p>
<p><br/>
“She crossed your mind when we melded.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Yes. She taught me how to create a vivid mind space.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Cause you melded with her?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Correct.”</p>
<p><br/>
“You tried to initiate more.”</p>
<p>Jim curled up. He knew this whole summer was too good to be true. </p>
<p><br/>
“Tried. It didn’t work.” Spock sat up staring at the wall in front of him. He was glad it didn’t work. But now more than ever he had a duty to be truthful. </p>
<p><br/>
“She is my fiancé.”</p>
<p><br/>
“What?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Our families want us to marry.” Spock brought his knees to his chest. “Neither of us want it. She recognizes you as my soul mate and does not want to ruin it. Our families, particularly my father, is ignoring this fact.”</p>
<p><br/>
Jim sat up. At first he felt betrayed, but then he realized what Spock was fully saying when he moved to Earth. </p>
<p><br/>
“You moved here. You rejected the science academy. You joined Starfleet. You did all this to be farther away from her and be closer to me?”</p>
<p><br/>
“If I have to marry her then I want to have you for as long as I can. As long as it takes. If it adds even just a day to how long I can have—” Spock’s voice faltered, which even for Jim who got to see more of this Vulcan’s emotions than Spock’s own mother, was rare. It shocked him. </p>
<p><br/>
Jim threw himself at Spock. A reversal of the day’s earlier events. “I love you so much Spock I don’t ever want to let go. Don’t let them take you away from me! I’ll join Starfleet too! I’ll join so I can follow you!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think the worst thing about PTSD is not knowing how bad an episode an get. I've had instances where it wasn't so bad, but then the same trigger sent me into full panic a month later. Triggers are absolutely bizarre. I'll never understand it. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, if Spock doesn't like dim sum, we can't be friends. That's where I draw the line.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Interregnum (3)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>02:38 hours</p><p>Room 4: "Debriefing"</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Gorgolo: </strong><br/>You kept visiting him.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>That’s how much I love him.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>So what happened that made you finally cut Spock out from your life?</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong> <br/>Sarek visited. He brought Amanda and T’Pring with him. I was only there at the same time because I finally hit the age requirement for the exams. I didn’t lie when I told him I’d join Starfleet just to be with him. Otherwise I really wouldn’t have. I had no desire to join, because it would just be me fighting to separate myself from my dad. </p><p><br/>But I’d do it for Spock. The bond we have is stronger than any bond I know. It goes against any kind of fucking logic, even by Vulcan standards. It just happens and you can’t break it. </p><p><br/>I saw them together. Spock and T’Pring. It killed me. Just thinking about her pissed me off. I was always going to come second to her because that’s just how it had to be. What’s worse is knowing how much Spock wanted out of it. I know they both fought their families, but it’s fucking Vulcan. They have their fucking traditions. </p><p><br/>I asked to come over later that night and Spock expected me to stay for awhile. I just showed up at his door and told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with someone knowing there was an end. So I said my good byes and left. I told the admissions board to forget it. </p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>Do you regret doing that?</p><p><br/><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Who knows where I’d be if I didn’t.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>The way things turned out, probably not captain of The Enterprise.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Can I tell you something?</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>Of course.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>I should not be the captain of The Enterprise. Not for a second. Maybe in another life, another universe. But I shouldn’t be captain. I didn’t earn it. It was given to me. Fuckin—-the shit I wanted to avoid when I first thought of joining this fucking organization. </p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>Handouts based on who you are? </p><p><strong>Kirk: </strong><br/>I should have gone through the ranks. You know how fucking ridiculous it sounds that I’ve never been a fucking ensign or a lieutenant or a commander? I know there’s people in Starfleet who ask this all the god damn time. Really, I should have been promoted. I should have been forced to scrub floors with a toothbrush at least once. </p><p><br/>Don’t get me wrong, I’m a really fucking good captain. And I could get to the top again on my own merit faster than anyone. </p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>But you wanted the chance the first time around.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Mostly to tell Spock to go fuck himself.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>Ah, there’s the anger towards him again.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Like I said before. He broke my heart. I still love him. That bond will never break. But I hate him so fucking much.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>You’re putting a lot of energy into someone you have conflicting feelings about. Was it always like this? You trying to prove to him you can live without him?</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Not one person I’ve fucked could come close. I tried. I tried to fill that void. It never left.</p><p><br/>I became a god damn mess. I got into shit I wasn’t supposed to get into. I drank a lot. There was the heart ache from Spock and it got exasperated when I learned my mom was getting married. I have nothing against Dave. He’s a cool guy. He tried his best with me too. Seeing my mom have something I couldn’t pissed me off. Made me jealous. I was happy for them. I was happy there was some semblance of a family at home. </p><p><br/>But most of the time I was drunk. I don’t know if they knew and ignored it or if they were completely oblivious. </p><p><br/>I mean fuck it, right? I had nothing going for me. I was living off the fucking pity the whole planet had for me and my mom. It was pretty great for a bit. </p><p><br/>And then I met fucking Nyota Uhura.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>She told me you hate her.</p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>Maybe at one point I disliked her very very much. Never hated. Oh I was really god damn pissed off when I found out she and Spock were fucking each other. But that just made me even more mad at him. </p><p><br/>Nah, I don’t hate Nyota. I owe her a lot. Cause she wouldn’t give into my bullshit, I wouldn’t have gotten my ass kicked and Chris would not have sat me down.</p><p><br/>But Spock? </p><p><br/>He made a fucking test with me in mind that would force people to face the consequences of absolute death no matter how you tried to stop it. </p><p><br/>He took what I suffered through and invalidated it.</p><p><strong>Gorgolo:</strong><br/>But couldn’t you also argue that Spock took what he learned from you to make sure others know how to handle one of the worst decisions a person could make?</p><p><br/>We have access to his proposals, and he specifically states that every cadet should understand the true realities of space exploration. </p><p><strong>Kirk:</strong><br/>I took that test four times. The first time I locked myself in the bathroom down the hallway because I couldn’t make it to my room before hyperventilating and screaming. </p><p><br/>All I could see was my brother standing next to me, and once again I couldn’t save him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See, writing this has made me realize I'm glad I don't dabble in this love thing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Fuck Your Fucking Test You Fucking Fuck</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jim will survive the Kobayashi Maru. He will.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>DUBIOUS CONSENT AHEAD. I'm warning you right now about DUBIOUS CONSENT AND JUST OVER ALL A VERY TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was on the second try that Jim started devising a plan. Really it was Bones who gave him the idea. They were several drinks deep when Bones had to tell him to stop overthinking it. </p><p><br/>
“It’s a fucking test to see if you can handle the bullshit.”</p><p><br/>
“The problem is I’ve seen more bullshit than I care to deal with. I‘m done with it.”</p><p><br/>
Jim didn’t want to acknowledge he knew who Spock was. He wouldn’t dare mention the moments he shared, the summers he spent lying in bed with him. As far as Jim knew, he didn’t know Spock anymore. </p><p><br/>
“Okay, then try something different. You’re smart, I’m sure you can fuck with the test or some shit. For fucks sake can we talk about something else, now?”</p><p><br/>
Later that night, or rather early in the morning, Jim trudged across campus and down a few blocks. He clenched his jaw and tightened his fists. So what if he was drunk right now? He had to go up there and talk to him. All he wanted was an answer. An answer for why the Kobayashi Maru existed in the first place. </p><p><br/>
He’d be awake. </p><p><br/>
He was always awake. </p><p><br/>
Jim wondered that maybe the Vulcan finally got the common sense not to answer any calls at three in the morning, but he laughed when the door opened and Spock went pale. </p><p><br/>
“We should talk.”</p><p><br/>
“You smell like alcohol.”</p><p><br/>
“Oh boy look how observant you are.”</p><p><br/>
In order not to cause any issues in the building, Spock yanked Jim inside. The apartment didn’t differ much. There were more mementos on the walls and shelves indicating a life lived on starships as an ensign. Stacks of books sat on the coffee table. There was a cup of freshly poured tea sitting next to a few padds.</p><p><br/>
Spock was four hours into grading papers and reviewing hypotheses. The rare day he was exhausted, and his ex had to show up at the door. He could feel the anger and the raw hurt spilling out from Jim. That part of their bond never left, the fact they formed such a close connection, their katras were essentially one. Spock tried avoiding Jim at all costs because of this. </p><p><br/>
“May I ask why you’re here so early in the morning?”</p><p><br/>
He knew why.</p><p><br/>
“I’m wondering if anything we shared meant something to you.” Jim scowled. “Because putting me through THAT is low. Low even for a Vulcan.”</p><p><br/>
“Putting you through what,” Spock crossed his arms.</p><p><br/>
“Your fucking test.”</p><p><br/>
Spock’s mouth twitched. </p><p><br/>
“You of all people should know there are no-win scenarios all the time. I merely-“</p><p><br/>
“You took something so fucking heart-wrenchingly personal to me and turned it into a fucking circus! I know exactly what the inspiration for your stupid Kobayashi Maru test was! And you thought it was okay to expound on my personal pain for your fucking pompous reputation!? If you actually were a fucking Vulcan you’d figure out that the logical thing to do was ask me! I might have said yes! Go for it! Make sure people are prepared for the worst! Don’t let what happened to my mom and I happen again!”</p><p><br/>
Jim was backing Spock towards the couch. His calves hit the upholstery and he fell into the cushions. He stared up at the human who had changed so much since he last stood in this room. So scared and hurt. But the one thing that didn’t change were his eyes. His eyes still glimmered with a sense of hope, that maybe one day things would go back to how they should be. </p><p><br/>
Spock watched Jim fall to his knees. The tears collecting on his chin. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but Jim just had to keep pushing it. He had to touch him. He had to press his forehead against his own. Spock didn’t falter though. He couldn’t let Jim see those emotions anymore. But the pain tore through the bond they still maintained. It was blazing hot.</p><p><br/>
“I love you so damn much, and you betrayed me. I can’t trust you. I can’t.” Jim pulled Spock into a deep kiss. He was trying to reclaim all the years he lost with that kiss, fighting every single “hate” he spewed. </p><p><br/>
He pulled away as abruptly as he pulled Spock in. “Why are you always in my fucking head!? What the fuck did you do to me?!”</p><p><br/>
The urge to touch Jim’s face was too great. Spock shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe as illogical as it was, if he couldn’t see him, Jim would just go away. </p><p><br/>
“You introduced yourself. That’s what happened.” Spock grabbed Jim’s hands. He intended to grab his wrists to avoid the inevitable. </p><p><br/>
It had been so long since he felt Jim encompass his very soul. Every brush of the finger he cherished in those early days. Every little spark of passion and hunger they felt for each other flashed before his eyes. </p><p><br/>
Spock grabbed at Jim’s jacket, ripping it off and throwing it to the corner of the room. He pushed Jim to the floor, where he landed on his back with a loud thud. Before he could pin the human to the floor he threw off his shirt. </p><p><br/>
Jim scrambled out of his shoes, pants and underwear. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks. “I need you. I absolutely need you!”</p><p><br/>
He clawed at Spock, grabbing his shoulders, digging his nails into the skin. Jim wanted to make sure Spock couldn’t forget this, despite how much he could feel Spock trying to repress everything. </p><p><br/>
But there was hunger in Spock’s eyes. </p><p><br/>
“Cease speaking,” he growled. The deepness of his voice even surprised himself. </p><p><br/>
He climbed onto Jim, pinning his hips to the floor. He nipped at his nipples and bit into his collarbone. If Jim didn’t want him to forget this night, then he wouldn’t want Jim to forget either.</p><p> <br/>
It wasn’t pretty. The anger and hatred pulsed through them both, followed by utter passion and love for each other. Their first time was far different than now. They took the time to explore and care. They prepped each other, they talked. </p><p><br/>
Tonight, in Spock’s exhaustion and Jim’s drunkeness, there was no communication. It was entirely primal. Jim begged and whimpered; Spock teased bringing him to the edge.</p><p><br/>
Jim was not prepared for the pain and pleasure that coursed through his body as Spock very carelessly thrust into him. His muscles spasmed and he dug into Spock’s neck harder, drawing more blood and causing more pleasure and pain. </p><p><br/>
Spock pressed his fingers to Jim’s psi points. He barely had to ask for consent before Jim’s mind willingly entangled with his. There was no common headspace, just their overpowering desire to climax as one single being. </p>
<hr/><p>He must have blacked out because he woke up in Spock’s bed. He must have done something right because Spock had his arm draped around him and he was sleeping peacefully. </p><p><br/>
Jim wasn’t sure if he should be ashamed of what he did, or if he should take it as another trophy. Even if it was purely out of spite. All he wanted was Spock to admit he still needed him and the meld was enough proof. It was bad enough Spock couldn’t resist having sex with him, but waiting to climax during a meld to share an orgasm? Spock couldn’t deny that. He could not deny keeping his stony Vulcan shield intact, which he tried so hard to do when Jim showed up at his door.</p><p><br/>
Spock stirred, catching Jim waking up. </p><p><br/>
“This was not your intention in coming here, was it?” </p><p><br/>
His heart fluttered upon hearing how drowsy and half-asleep Spock was. He enjoyed seeing Spock’s vulnerable side. </p><p><br/>
“No.” Jim sighed. “I dunno know if I liked it more when you held me tenderly or when you tried ripping out my throat.”</p><p><br/>
Spock grunted, tracing circles on Jim’s chest.</p><p><br/>
“Y-you should go back to sleep. I’ll leave.” He slid out of bed and before he left he kissed Spock on the lips. “I still love you. Always will.”</p><p><br/>
He quietly entered the living room and dressed himself. It was a quick dash back to Spock’s room to check if he was finally asleep. When Jim thought it was safe, he examined the coffee table where the padds lay. </p><p><br/>
Was it a huge breech of privacy? Yes. Was is an abomination of an act to pick up these padds and go through them? Yes. Did he care? </p><p><br/>
Maybe if he wasn’t hungover.</p><p> <br/>
Since the Kobayashi Maru was still new, Jim figured he’d find it easily. Knowing Spock, he’d be tinkering with the code over and over again, perfecting it to his own abysmal standards. When Jim found the right padd, he slipped quietly out of the apartment. </p><p><br/>
He grabbed some breakfast at the mess hall. Considering he was handling stolen property he brushed off some of his classmates that said hello or wanted to chat over their meal. Never mind the fact he had blood speckled on his jaw and bite marks on his throat. On his way back to his room he pulled out the padd once more and looked over the basic code for the test. It was simple enough. Spock was a good programmer, but he wasn’t that good.</p><p> <br/>
Jim smiled when he figured out just how easy it would be to manipulate everything about this stupid test. </p><p><br/>
When he walked through the door to his suite, Bones dropped his own padd in his lap. </p><p><br/>
“Where the fuck—what happened to you?”</p><p><br/>
“I got into a fight and then cruised all of downtown San Fran,” Jim shrugged. He still had an eye on Spock’s padd, his newest most prized possession. </p><p><br/>
“Some fight, you got marks all over you.” Bones frowned, “you didn’t fight the Vulcan did you?”</p><p><br/>
Jim laughed, perhaps a bit too forced. “No. But if you find him for me, hold him down.”</p><p><br/>
His facade shattered when he closed the bathroom door. Jim slid down the wall realizing that Spock had moved on. It was painful for him no doubt, that bond of theirs couldn’t break. But he had the superior mental capabilities, that let him proceed with his engagement to T’Pring, that let him brush Jim aside when they saw each other on campus. </p><p><br/>
“You either hate him or you love him, you can’t have both,” Jim shuddered. “You can’t have both. You can’t.”</p><p><br/>
It was his struggle. He loved the person he hated with every fiber of his being. Jim had to move on too.</p>
<hr/><p>Spock woke later that afternoon. He loathed waking up so late in the day because now it would feel like a waste. There were chores to do, there was the work that sat on his coffee table untouched from hours before. But he couldn’t shake the parting kiss Jim gave him. </p><p><br/>
His mind wandered back to post-coitus. He was coming down from the high he always got while melding with Jim. The human was still under him, panting, his eyes glazed over. Both of them were covered in sweat and blood, at least most of the cuts stopped bleeding. </p><p><br/>
<em>“I dunno know if I liked it more when you held me tenderly or when you tried ripping out my throat.”</em>
</p><p><br/>
Spock shook his head trying to get the image out of his mind. He couldn’t figure out if he enjoyed inflicting pain on Jim or if he preferred sitting on the floor wiping him down with a warm cloth. </p><p><br/>
He inspected the living room, almost expecting it to feel trashed after what they did on the floor. The only reminder that Jim was ever there was his jacket on the sofa. Spock grabbed it and took in his scent. He sat down and grasped at the fabric, realizing all he wanted was to be in Jim’s arms once more. </p><p><br/>
Years ago when Jim told him goodbye, Spock shut himself in. He worked harder to shun any emotion, even from his mother, even from T’Pring. He couldn’t trust himself to open up like that to anyone again. </p><p><br/>
Thankfully, Spock wasn’t sure when the next time he’d see Jim. So he wasn’t worried about returning his jacket any time soon. He draped the jacket around his shoulders, clearing the coffee table of its clutter. Normally he’d get all of his work done before partaking in leisurely activities, but Jim of course lingered in his mind. He was grabbing his books and padds when he realized one was missing. </p><p><br/>
He could have sworn he brought all three padds with him. </p><p><br/>
Spock grabbed his phone and made a rare weekend call. </p><p><br/>
“Nyota?”</p><p><br/>
“Oh, hey! I wasn’t expecting a call from you, I thought you’d be working all day.”</p><p><br/>
“I assumed I was as well, but I had an issue arise. Did I leave anything at your place yesterday?”</p><p><br/>
“You leaving things behind?” She chuckled. Spock forgetting something was a near zero percent chance. “You didn’t leave anything behind.”</p><p><br/>
“Shit.”</p><p><br/>
“Is everything okay?”</p><p><br/>
“I misplaced some important codes on a padd that’s not mine.”</p><p><br/>
“Well…shit indeed.”</p><p><br/>
Spock didn’t see Jim until he took the test and beat it. And while the simulation ran, it was becoming more and more clear. Jim only came over that night to steal that program and recode the entire thing. </p><p><br/>
He was livid.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love the different iterations of this simulation, so here's just yet another one added to the mix.</p><p>I thoroughly believe Spock had good intentions when devising the Kobayashi Maru. He did keep Jim in mind while coming up with it, because he saw how much a no-win scenario could destroy even the best people.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Hey. Remember that time when I sent you into a primordial rage and you nearly killed me? Yeah those were good times. Please don't do that again. Thanks.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Casual attempted murder on the bridge? It's fine. Bestie and I are just vibin', yo.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have seen more YTP of the Kirk/Spock bridge fight than I've seen it as intended. I can't even watch Star Trek (2009) unless I have the rifftrax playing alongside. </p><p>The latest one a friend messaged me with was the fight with "Mama Mia" playing and it worked so well I had an aneurysm.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were all exhausted. Every single person on the ship was trying their best to be as efficient as possible while the odds were against them. </p><p><br/>
Jim and Bones were in sickbay, it was the last place Jim wanted to be, but Bones dragged him down once everything on the bridge settled.</p><p><br/>
“So, I’m gonna ask what everyone is going to ask. What the fuck? Do you have a fucking death wish or something!?” Bones was being less than gentle with the bruises he was inspecting. </p><p><br/>
“At one point, yeah I did.”</p><p><br/>
“Christ,” he muttered. “You’re children. You’re all fucking children!”</p><p><br/>
It didn’t matter if Jim was captain or not. Sickbay was Bones’ domain and he had the freedom to criticize any action if it warranted. Considering Jim decided to manipulate and emotionally abuse his superior officer, he had opinions. </p><p><br/>
Jim had never seen Bones angry like he was right now. Sure he’d see his friend lament over medical cases or Jim’s typical stunts at the bar. But this was an entirely different, purely deep anger. </p><p><br/>
“You two are going to have to talk and work together. I don’t fucking care if you’re pissy about that fucking simulation, I don’t care if he marooned you. I don’t give one flying fuck! One flying fucking fuck about your bullshit right now. There’s a fucking Romulan gang out there trying to destroy everything and you’re pissing around like some cunt at a god damn dude bro bar mad he got lightly shoved by someone trying to walk by even though you’re the one in the fucking way.</p><p><br/>
“Guess what buddy, you’re captain now. Grow up and figure it out.”</p><p><br/>
Bones gave one last look over Jim. And that was it. Simply a glance. </p><p><br/>
It shook Jim to his core. At first he didn’t realize just how much power he had, but as the adrenaline faded and time elapsed, Jim figured out just how much was on his shoulders. Bones was absolutely right, he needed Spock. Maybe the way he planned to get Spock out of power was cruel, a little too cruel. But what he said, he meant. </p><p><br/>
And then there was elder Vulcan in the back of his mind. The same face, the same mind. Yet entirely different in his familiarity. He lived a life of cruelties, some worse, some not so.</p><p><br/>
“Bones. I gotta tell you something.”</p><p><br/>
The doctor’s face softened when he heard the tremble in his voice.</p><p><br/>
“Bones…Spock and I…we have history.” He walked around the room, trying to find words. “I’ve known him since I was 10.”</p><p><br/>
He went through Tarsus. He went through the aftermath. Spock’s betrothal. Bones couldn’t believe what he was hearing. </p><p><br/>
“Jim, for the love of god you have to talk to him.”</p><p><br/>
“I know.” Jim rubbed his eyes. “I’m starting to think I should have chosen my words better. For all anyone knows, I never met his mom. But Bones, she was one of the kindest people I ever met.”</p><p><br/>
He left Bones and searched the more obvious places on the ship. They all left in such a hurry there weren’t any properly assigned quarters for anyone. He couldn’t just find Spock in his room. If he were humiliated, where would Jim run off to? Somewhere completely locked down and barely touched. </p><p><br/>
Spock was sitting in the greenhouse. He was concentrating on the Fibonacci Sequence on some shrubs. Any other time, he might have thought it was fascinating. Now it was just a pattern to focus on. He tried focusing harder when he heard the footsteps.</p><p><br/>
“Am I being ordered to do something, captain?”</p><p><br/>
Cold. Ice. Stone.</p><p><br/>
“I’m sorry.”</p><p><br/>
Spock looked up at Jim. His pain reflected all over his face. His cheeks covered in dried tears. He looked so disturbingly human.</p><p><br/>
“I don’t want any apologies. You are correct in your assumption I am not fit for duty and therefore if you need any assistance I suggest anyone but myself.”</p><p><br/>
Jim sat down. He focused on some roses. Beautifully deep purple.</p><p><br/>
“I betrayed you more times than I should. And if that were one time, that’s still too many. I know what you’re going through and you know I know it. But I still humiliated you up there.”</p><p><br/>
“Precisely why I beat the shit out of you.”</p><p><br/>
“Much deserved.”</p><p><br/>
A few minutes lapsed before Jim spoke again. “I fully give you permission to beat the shit out of me if I royally fuck up like this again.” He noticed the twitch on Spock’s face. “I’m serious. Just hang out for a bit before coming to my rescue. Let me get my face smashed in before you stop them.”</p><p><br/>
“Coming to your rescue?”</p><p><br/>
“You think I’m just gonna let that murdering piece of shit get away with genocide? I let one cock sucker get away, I’m not letting it happen again. And just like Tarsus, I need you. I need your help. I can’t do it all alone.”</p><p><br/>
“You expect me to help you so willingly after making so many disparaging comments, fucking me only to get your hands on Starfleet property, and once again using my weaknesses I’ve only allowed you to see for personal gain?”</p><p><br/>
Spock glared at him. His gaze was as hateful as ever, and it burned through Jim’s shields. He was trying his best to be the better person and own up to his mistakes, but the stare horrified him. </p><p><br/>
“I didn’t fuck—no. No I went to your apartment drunk. I intended to talk and cry ‘oh woe is me.’ I wasn’t—I wasn’t intending on anything other than you throwing me out.” Jim smiled at the memory, relishing in the fact that he knew Spock could have stopped himself, and probably should, and despite it all still cared enough to clean him up while he was half drunk and coming down from an intense orgasm. </p><p><br/>
“I only took the fucking padd because I thought about how after you fucked me, nothing was going to change the fact that we’ll never end up together like we wanted. So I let myself give into my hatred for the fact your test really fucking hurt me.”</p><p><br/>
“Well,” Spock sighed. “Maybe Nero changed that fact.”</p><p><br/>
“You changed.” Jim felt the tears running down his cheeks. </p><p><br/>
“You as well.” Spock bit the inside of his cheek. He got up from his position on the floor, pacing around the orchid bed. “Captain, I am fulfilling my duty to my people, not your quest for revenge. May I be excused?”</p><p><br/>
He shook his head. “No, I’d rather leave so you can be here for however long you need. The least I can do is what you did for me when I was in shock. You’re a far better friend than I deserve Spock. Far better.”</p><p><br/>
Before Jim left the greenhouse he turned around. “If Sarek didn’t say anything, would you have killed me?”</p><p><br/>
Spock kept his back turned. He was dangerously close to doing so and it perturbed him. For one, Spock couldn’t stand Jim and what he’d become. At least he couldn’t stand the persona Jim put on for all the world to see. Spock didn’t want anything to do with it, but he saw through the facade. That facade which hid the curious boy he first met, the traumatized teen, the incredibly caring young man he knew Jim really was. He loved him, not whatever was on the bridge. </p><p><br/>
Jim took the silence as confirmation. “It’s okay. I’d kill me too.”</p>
<hr/><p>Whatever sense of peace Spock had with letting go of Jim shattered onto the floor. When the anger left and the reality of his mother dying took over, Spock finally learned what empathy was in the truest sense of the human language. No mind meld could ever replace the shared human experience. </p><p><br/>
It made what Jim said to him hurt even more, and when Spock considered the idea of Jim creating his own test like the Kobayashi Maru and using the end of Vulcan and the death of his mother as inspiration, it put into focus all the betrayal Jim felt. Stealing official Starfleet codes didn’t seem so vile anymore. </p><p><br/>
He decided it was best to stay away from Jim and the bridge until it was absolutely necessary to be present. Cartography was the best place to still be valuable while not having what happened spread across the ship.Only the bridge officers knew what happened. To everyone else, Spock merely needed absolute focus. </p><p><br/>
Which wasn’t entirely a lie. </p><p><br/>
There was a padd sitting on the table, next to the cup of tea that was brought to him by a worried ensign. In fact, many of the people in cartography were worried about Spock. The least they could do was provide him sustenance.</p><p><br/>
He watched as the padd lit up with several messages. All from Jim. </p><p><br/>
<em>
    <strong>“I know you hate me. </strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>Every right to hate me.</strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>Please just come up to the bridge. </strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>I need you up there. </strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>Everyone is staring at me.</strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>Every.</strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>One.”</strong>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
Spock wanted to tell him to suck it up, that this was what he wanted, but his exhaustion limited the effort he put into his response. It didn’t help that Sarek walked into the room and stood by his side.</p><p><br/>
He simply responded with a “momentarily,” and shoved the padd away from him. </p><p><br/>
“I grieve with thee,” Spock spoke, still in disbelief. Uttering those words hurt. He wished he didn’t have to speak them.</p><p><br/>
“I grieve with thee,” Sarek responded. A shock to Spock’s core, as Sarek sounded defeated. As he stood next to his son, he looked over all the data streams and documents Spock was pouring over. Jim asked him to pull up everything about the Romulans, especially from the Vulcan perspective. </p><p><br/>
“Spock, your behavior—“</p><p><br/>
“Was very unprofessional and unbecoming of a Vulcan. I agree.”</p><p><br/>
Sarek paused, trying to recollect what he intended to say. “I agree that it was unprofessional. It was incredibly illogical, yet not unlike a Vulcan in a desperate state.”</p><p><br/>
“You are comparing me to those pre-reformation.”</p><p><br/>
“I am not intending to compare you to anyone. I am ascertaining the feelings you have for Jim, as is the purpose of my visit.”</p><p><br/>
Spock clenched his jaw. “I do not want to discuss what had been discussed before I left for Earth in the first place.”</p><p><br/>
“That Jim is your t’hy’la.”</p><p><br/>
He whipped his head around, glaring at his father. The last time Sarek saw his son cry was when he was four years old. The little boy didn’t want to spend a full day without Amanda, it was a new experience not even logic could prepare him for. </p><p><br/>
“Outside. I will not discuss this in public. I would rather not discuss this again. At all.”</p><p><br/>
They found an empty conference room. Spock was pacing up and down the length of the table. Sarek stood by the door, intently watching his son. </p><p><br/>
“Spock, I am rethinking—“</p><p><br/>
“I do not want you to rethink your position on anything. You made it very clear that T’Pring and I must set aside those we actually care for despite all circumstances. Or, may I dare assume that since my mother, your wife, the one you told me you loved, died and it has forced you to logically conclude that the established Vulcan traditions are inept?</p><p><br/>
“You did not follow this assumed tradition that was forced on T’Pring and I. Logically speaking, Sarek? I do not believe many of those traditions will survive our planet’s demise. </p><p><br/>
“Jim and I are t’hyl’a. But it will not work. All that we shared died on the bridge when I tried killing him. If not for your words, I would have ended it. I would have spent the rest of my life with a katra that is no longer whole. </p><p><br/>
“You are the one who instigated a slew of events that led to us betraying each other. If you had only listened to T’Pring and I—“</p><p><br/>
“Spock.”</p><p><br/>
He started shaking. </p><p><br/>
“Spock?”</p><p><br/>
He couldn’t repress them any longer. His brain hit the limit.</p><p><br/>
Sarek rushed over, grabbing on to Spock’s shoulders holding him steady. He pulled his son into a hug, no logic in sight. </p><p><br/>
“There’s a Romulan who tried eradicating my species, my mother is dead, and I nearly killed my t’hy’la who hates me, and I may be starting to hate him as well. Forgive me if I am not logically or emotionally stable, considering the circumstances.”</p><p><br/>
Spock wrenched his way out of his father’s hug without another word. His son did not need to be logically sound at all times. Sarek realized Amanda was not making excuses for Spock’s humanity, but trying to get him to understand that it was a strength if applied accordingly. There were many things Amanda told Sarek late at night in their bedroom. Anything about Spock was the most contested of these ideas. All he wanted was his son to uphold the strengths of Surak and his house. He wanted Spock to be the best Vulcan he could be. </p><p><br/>
In that conference room, Sarek had an epiphany: He wasn’t upholding Surak’s views. He was the least bit logical. He was entirely xenophobic. He was no better than Nero.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Every story I try to make Sarek learn that he's a real piece of shit. Whether he acts on that knowledge is completely subjective to his own fake free will. The worst kinds of parents/family members are the ones that try forcing their world views on you and ONLY when their lives are destroyed they're like "LMAO SORRY. NEVERMIND. You were right all along! Can you stop ignoring me now? I don't understand why you're so mad at me?"</p><p>All while not actually learning a damned thing. Sigh. </p><p>Anyways, Sarek. Yeah. He's lil twat.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. What a fucking joke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jim gets some really fucking dumb news</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Unashamedly added dim sum because I really miss going to dim sum with friends.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you fucking joking.”</p><p><br/>“No. I’m not fucking joking. And cut out the swearing, this is an official meeting.”</p><p><br/>Jim was sitting in a chair before Chris Pike who was sitting at his desk giving the cadet a hard look. Despite it all, despite saving Earth, the universe, and managing to get The Enterprise back into space dock, Jim Kirk was still at the mercy of Starfleet Academy. When Pike told him he still had final tests to complete and actual real-world requirements to fulfill, Jim nearly fell out of his seat. </p><p><br/>“How is all of THAT not considered real-world?”</p><p><br/>Pike shrugged. “I was just told you have to obtain real world experience, and I’m assuming they mean not acting in a desperate situation where an entire planet was destroyed. I’m thinking the board wants you to have a perfectly normal experience in space.”</p><p><br/>“It’s me. There’s no normal for space exploration!”</p><p><br/>“Hands are tied. I can’t do anything more. Just accept it. Besides, it’ll be a great opportunity to establish a real report with your first officer.”</p><p><br/>Jim shook his head. “I’m sorry, what?”</p><p><br/>“You and Spock are going to go on tour, and build a real fucking professional relationship. You’ll get your real world experience surveying the sector around the proposed planet for New Vulcan and the next time we ship you off with The Enterprise I’ll be at ease knowing the two idiots in charge aren’t going to kill each other.”</p><p><br/>“Okay, look who’s swearing now,” Jim folded his arms. “Are we even allowed to be in the same room with each other? I haven’t gotten any updates since Starfleet brass came up to me and told me to stay away from him.”</p><p><br/>“I’m rescinding the order. I suggest for the next week you get used to each other again. I’ll give you more details on your mission in a few days. And don’t fucking get into another fight.”</p><p><br/>Jim thanked Pike for his time and rolled his eyes as his mentor reminded him to schedule those last tests.</p><p><br/>He kicked the wall once he got outside Pike’s office. </p><p><br/>There were a lot of things Jim wanted to say to Spock. He could be basic and simple and tell him sorry and “let’s start over,” but that wasn’t going to happen. Spock’s presence in his mind and soul was dwindling, but it couldn’t ever leave. Even T’vel, who was merely just a healer, couldn’t leave Jim’s mind entirely. </p><p><br/>He could profess his undying love for the Vulcan. Of course Spock already knew how deeply Jim loved him, but perhaps the proclamation would make him change his mind and try again. Spock did after all allude to one day ending up together. </p><p><br/>But Jim had to be better. He had to listen to himself. Losing Spock spiraled him out of control, and it wasn’t healthy. He couldn’t do it now, not when he had a lucrative career ahead of him. So while walking down that hallway he decided to tell Spock that they should definitely just be friends. He’d even accept acquaintanceship. Hell, Jim would settle for a working professional relationship where they’d discuss the day’s business over dinner and a game of chess.</p><p><br/>Which of course still sounded like a fucking date.</p><p><br/>He pulled out his phone and gave it a thought before putting it back into his pocket. Maybe he needed to go for a walk before messaging him. That alone brought a lot of repressed thoughts to the surface.</p><p><br/>When they returned to Earth, they were all heralded as heroes. Jim had absolutely no free time between debriefing and media inquiries. He was hardly alone when a security detail was assigned to him. In fact they were still following his every move, more discrete than before. Jim wanted them gone entirely, Starfleet said “no.”</p><p><br/>He hunkered down back at his mother’s home. She was glad to have him back for a while. The escape to Iowa brought back more memories than Jim cared for. There were many nights he stood at his brother’s door, wondering where he was. On the trip back to Earth he still checked the ship’s database. He checked the libraries when they reported back to headquarters. </p><p><br/>Back in Iowa, in the haze and humidity of the late afternoons, Jim always ended up lying face down on the ground remembering the same sultry afternoons where he and his brother and their friends would play soccer. He hated how dim and far between those memories were. Most of his childhood he barely remembered. </p><p><br/>It upset him how vivid lying in the trunk of that car was, while he couldn’t even remember the times he and his mother made cookies because the weather was bad.</p><p><br/>The night before Jim returned to San Fransisco at Pike’s request, he stood at Sam’s door. Jim took a mighty deep breath and grabbed onto the door knob. He didn’t know why he was terrified, but as he stared at the posters on the walls, his mind eased. Sam was alive and well in this room. His soul still hung in the air. </p><p><br/>All he wanted was to know for certain if his brother was alive. It would quell his pain. The untouched room almost fulfilled it. It almost brought him back to the days when he was six and his brother always yelled at him not to come in. Jim was never allowed in Sam’s room, until one late night where the winds were howling and the tornado sirens were blaring. They sought comfort in each other as the hail beat against the windows. </p><p><br/>There were plenty of good memories of Sam. There were plenty of good memories of him and his mother enjoying a lazy weekend. They were all locked away somewhere in Jim’s mind, but he refused to believe those memories were gone forever. So when Jim grabbed Sam’s journal and saw the last words he ever wrote while on Earth, it disturbed him. Maybe Sam wasn’t alive. Maybe he was done.</p><p> <br/><em>“I hate my life.”</em></p><p><br/>Jim carried that journal with him. He took it to San Fransisco where it lied on the desk in his room of the apartment he leased. It was a reminder to do all he could for the ones he loved. </p><p><br/>Maybe he needed to tell Spock that he’d be better treated like a brother. </p><p><br/>He could live with that.</p><p><br/>Jim pulled out his phone again. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“We should probably get on the same page, huh? This might be fucking inappropriate but I’d love to…”</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>He looked at the message and deleted it. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>“Hey we should-“</strong> </em>
</p><p>Delete.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“If you’re not busy—“</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>Delete.</p><p><br/>He groaned. Everything he tried to type out sounded like he was asking Spock on a date. Then he realized that Spock might not even be aware of the situation. Pike got his orders which he told Jim, so now that Jim outranked Spock, was he the one who had to tell him about all this? Likely so.</p><p> <br/>He had no idea what the fuck he was doing.</p><p><br/>Pike should have told them in the same room. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“Do I have a surprise for you.</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I suggest choosing a spot in public cause you might beat the shit out of me again.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“….</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Jim, I am not fond of surprises.</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>You are well aware I am not fond of surprises.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“Good, then where are we meeting up?”</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>Jim waited impatiently for Spock’s response. He barely took his eyes off the screen while he walked down the pathway.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“I liked that dim sum place we kept going to that one summer.”</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>It was a date.</p><hr/><p>“I’m just saying that maybe you should have the rice wine anyways to take the edge off.”</p><p><br/>Spock shook his head while he watched Jim pour them both glasses of the drink. They were both under aged when they last stepped into the restaurant, the change was a bit jarring; watching Jim openly drink in front of him. </p><p><br/>“Jim, mijiu is not going to influence my perception on this news you have for me.”</p><p><br/>“Then fucking humor me,” he frowned.</p><p><br/>“Humor you…right.” Spock gulped down the fermented beverage. He wasn’t prepared for its sweet aftertaste. </p><p><br/>“See? It didn’t hurt.” Jim took a swig of his own drink. “And in no time we’ll have dumplings, cucumber salad, every kind of noodle roll you can imagine, and for dessert I’ve got something special.”</p><p><br/>Spock rose a brow. “Something special?”</p><p><br/>Jim played up his bedroom eyes, trying to coax Spock out of his shell. Let him think he was trying to get more from him than a lunch. </p><p><br/>“I remembered you liked the mango pudding. So I ordered that.”</p><p><br/>Spock fell into Jim’s trap, thinking he was definitely going to ask for something else. He stared at his lap and blushed. Then again, Spock wasn’t expecting Jim to remember something so minute about a dinner date they had years and years ago. </p><p><br/>“You…”</p><p><br/>“You think I’d forget seeing a Vulcan actually gush over a dish?”</p><p><br/>He blushed harder. </p><p><br/>Jim was grinning. Well played. </p><p><br/>“To be fair, Vulcan never had anything like mangos.”</p><p><br/>He watched Spock lower his shields like he had so many times before. Jim was surprised there was even a remote amount of trust between them to let it happen. He never thought he’d see Spock like this again. But he was staring at a deeply scarred entity sitting across the table. It was like looking in the mirror; the hallowed look in the eye, the exhaustion, the slumped shoulders. Spock was still trying to process the fact he lost his entire world, let alone his family. </p><p><br/>“I dunno how much this means to you, but maybe New Vulcan will have something like mangos. We’ll have to check when we survey the sector.”</p><p><br/>Their servers stopped at the table and set out all of the buns, noodles, rolls, dumplings, and salads Jim ordered. Spock was slow to process Jim’s statement as he was once again mesmerized by the fact that the human remembered all of the dishes he thoroughly enjoyed. This was the Jim Kirk he knew and loved, the one sitting at the table throwing back cup after cup of mijiu, while everything was meticulously planned out.</p><p><br/>“Survey?”</p><p><br/>“Yup.”</p><p><br/>“I was told The Enterprise wouldn’t be ready to ship out any time soon.”</p><p><br/>“Yup.” Jim grabbed a pork bun, all the while he kept his eyes on Spock. He didn’t know why it was making him anxious just to tell him outright what Starfleet had in store for them. “Are you going to eat or are you just gonna sit there? I paid good money for this.”</p><p><br/>Spock couldn’t compartmentalize everything that was going on in the moment. He’d normally be able to disassociate if needed, going through the motions just to please his human counterparts. Of all the years spent on Earth and on human-lead starships, this was the skill he utilized the most. But it was Jim. It was always Jim. He still had that ability to dismantle the toughest shields Spock built. He destroyed his critical thinking skills half the time.</p><p><br/>T’hy’la would be his curse.</p><p><br/>“I’ll eat when I figure out what you’re trying to tell me?” Spock grabbed a plate. “We’re going on a survey but not on The Enterprise.”</p><p><br/>“Yup.”</p><p><br/>Same infliction. Same stupid look on Jim’s stupid face.</p><p><br/>“If you say ‘yup’ one more time, I will fucking leave and ask to be reassigned elsewhere.”</p><p><br/>Spock wasn’t entirely serious about reassigning. The Enterprise was the pinnacle achievement and a giant ‘fuck you’ to Sarek. He couldn’t give that up. Jim’s reluctance was irritating him, and he knew it was irritating him, and he knew that this was all just to hold some sort of power over him.</p><p> <br/>“Spock, did you just swear?”</p><p><br/>“Do you want me to fucking swear some more, I’ve learned a lis-“ Spock squeezed his eyes shut. Jim was stalling again and he kept falling for it. Time to leave. He got up from the table, shaking his head. </p><p><br/>“Wait,” Jim reached over. He didn’t think Spock was actually serious about leaving. This was the most time they spent together in months and he was starting to enjoy the fact that they’d be stuck together for much longer. </p><p><br/>Of course, Jim purposely grabbed Spock’s hand. The shudder hit the two of them like a gale-force wind. </p><p><br/>Spock ripped his hand away. He couldn’t handle another mistake, and why was it, again, while Jim was drinking? Hell, Spock wanted to leave entirely, but the bond between them made it hard for him to tear his gaze away from those blue eyes. He was pretty sure Jim was on the verge of crying. So he sat back down. </p><p><br/>Jim tapped his fingers on the table, trying his best to stare anywhere but at Spock. He couldn’t define it, but he could have sworn he heard Spock retaliate with a “don’t fucking touch me.” He let the hostility wane before speaking.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t.” Jim balled his hands up. “It’s…It’s just gonna be you and me. A two-man crew. Apparently, I still need some credits to graduate. One of those is experience, out in space, you know. Learning how to function up there in an official capacity.”</p><p><br/>“Are you joking,” Spock tilted his head.</p><p><br/>“That’s exactly what I said!” Jim slumped. “So Pike had this bright idea to get us both working together and get me that fucking grad requirement.”</p><p><br/>It was a horrific moment for Jim. He was watching Spock happily, yes happily, eating a few soup dumplings while eyeing the Nor Mai Gai. He even took another glass of mijiu.</p><p><br/>“So this means you are assigned to me as if you were an ensign.”</p><p><br/>“Shut up.”</p><p><br/>“What a predicament you’re in.”</p><p><br/>“I said shut up.”</p><p><br/>“I may enjoy this more than the mango pudding.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Maybe I need to recheck my Kelvin timeline canon (lmao of course I do), but did he graduate? Did half of these people graduate? Or did they just let it slide. "Oh yeah I guess dealing with an intergalactic emergency counts as an intern credit HERES YOUR DEGREE." </p><p>But I think it's WAAAAAY more entertaining to have someone go through all of that and slap them across the face with a "no you're still a cadet, sorry. You've got 200 credit hours left to complete and you never took that one gen ed requirement HAVE FUN." I don't care if we're in the future, a college is going to college and you will suffer at the hands of post secondary education!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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